Descriptive Process
Exercise 6-3
22 February 2000
Jennifer Lenssen
GenKnee@aol.com
My activity is how to put on a band-aid. First [insert
a comma] you locate a box of
band-aids or you buy them at the store. Second [insert
a comma] you clean the cut or
scrape. Next you take the paper wraper [wrapper] of[f] the band-aid. Then
[insert a comma] you take the
two plastic pieces covering the adhesive of[f] the band-aid. Finally
[insert a comma] you put
the cloth part of the band-aid over the cut or scrape and press down on the
adhesive. This activity is imporant [important] for you to know in case you ever get a
scrape or sore [end this sentence here--the rest is
redundant] [by the way, what does a band-aid do for you? why is it
effective?] you will know how to proparly but on a band-aid.
In Jennifer Lenssen's process, she describes how she would put on a bandade. The instructions that were provided were clear, and I would be able to follow them clearly. I would add a step, being if you had to go purchase the bandades clean the cut first.
Brittany Majzun
bmajzun00@hotmail.com
My activity is getting ready for work in the morning. I get mine
[my, not mine] and my sons [son's] clothes ready the night before. At
4:30am [put a space after the time and the 'am'] the alarms goes off,
[insert a period, start a new sentence] I get up to
take a shower after that I dry and curl my hair, [lose the
comma] and brush my teeth. Around 5:05am I get dress[ed] and put on my shoes. Finally[insert
a comma] I take my son upstairs to my
mom's bed and I left [leave] the house at 5:25am. [why
is this process important? bring closure to the paragraph--is it important
that you do it in the same way every morning, or do you ever vary your activity
depending on outside circumstances?]
rochelle gray
rdgray00@hotmail.com
step [capitalize] one how to bathe [delete
the first part of this sentence and replace it with "I had thought that
bathing an infant would be hard.] an infant which i [capitalize]
thought would the most hardest [avoid double
superlatives] thing to
do. I had never gave [given, not gave] a[n] infant a bath until my son
[start a new sentence] I had to make sure the
heat was on high. It was early April [insert a
comma] so the weather was still a little
damp and cold. First, I made sure I had all my materials out and ready to
use. The baby sponge that you place the baby into so their body will hold
up [fragment, what about it?]. Then [insert
a comma] i [capitalize] made sure my water was warm and made sure to have the ultra
sentensive [sensitive] soap. I had to wait a [lose
the 'a'] two weeks before I could give him a bath
after leaving the hosptial [hospital] [why two
weeks?]. So I was nervous not to make a mistake.
connie thomas [capitalize your name]
cfthomas00@hotmail.com
My work day starts by unlocking the door to the building. I then
unlock the door to our office and turn off the alarm. The phones are taken
off service by using line one on the phone and then [pressing]
73# [new sentence--(I then)] wait for the tone,
then [delete the comma and the 'then'. Replace with
'and'] dial the answering service phone number. You [don't
jump into second person] will ask them if there
are any messages, write down information if any, [and] make call backs as soon as
possible.
I wake up at 9:00 a.m. I look at the clock telling me that I am still able
to nap for one more hour. I psycicly [physically] fall from out of the sheets at 10:00
and put on my three day washing machine absent stiff shirt. The
ritualistic soda can I pull from the cupboard, and swallow its addictive potion
with a straw. I hesitate going out the door because the answer of what I
am forgetting has flown from all of my recognition. Realizing the
culprit I grab my school books and I skedadle out the door. I get to the
shop and clock on. Make a drink and stress over the fact that I have to
work with the universe on my back [fragment]. [Interesting,
but whoever wrote this should preface it with a mention of Connie's paragraph
and what she does, then fall into what you do in starting your day.]
Shawn Westfall
ShawnWes@webtv.net
Planning an event
The thing, [lose the comma]I will be discussing in this short paragraph excersise
[exercise] is the steps
to developing a plan for a specefic [specific] event. First, you should devise a plan that
can be easily changed or rearranged due to problems that may occur
[that's a good strategy--develop the rationale behind that a little]. Second, you
pick a reasonable time and place where the event will be held. You can get an
idea of this by asking people or friends which options appear to be the best.
Then by using deductive reasoning, this has narrowed the choices down
[awkward syntax--reword]. Next,
find out how many people will attend this get[-]together and plan
accordinly [accordingly]. Once
you have achieved this , [put the comma right after the
word, not a space after] things should fall right into place. By following these
couple [few, not couple] steps, the planning of an event is made much easier.
Shawn's essay of how to plan an event reminded me of when I planned my wedding.
There are so many things to consider, but you also try to make it convenient for
your guests.
Kristen Siesennop
ksiesennop00@hotmail.com
A simple medical procedure is changing steril[e] bandages. The first thing you do
is get all your supplies you need to change the bandage. Then [insert
a comma] you tell your
patient what you are going to do. Then [insert a
comma--don't use 'then' back-to-back] you put on a pair of clean gloves, [lose
the comma] and
remove the old bandage. You then [again, find a different
word than 'then'] wash your hands and put on a pair of new gloves [why
a new pair? all you've done is open the old bandage] and open all your new bandages and cleaning solutions. You then put on your
steril[e] gloves and clean the inside of the wound and with only one stroke and in
a downwade [downward--you could write this better by
deleting the last part of the sentence and moving the word 'downward' to just
before the word 'stroke' like "...and with only one downward stroke.'] stroke. You then work your way out to the edge of the wound.
Finally [insert a comma] you put a new bandage on the wound and chart it in the patients
[patient's] chart.
In Kristens [Kristen's] process, she is explaning [explaining] the process of healing a wound. [of changing a bandage, actually] I would not change anything about the process of healing a wound. You could probably use different techniques to ease the suffering of the person with the wound. I would be worried and scared and I could use some sort confidence builder during the process of healing the wound. Positive reinforcement does a lot for people that are in a hospital situation. Maybe you can distract the person with jokes or a story about a past experience. I feel that your paragraph was very good. I learned a lot by reading your process paragraph on healing a wound.
Jeff Kilcullin
jkilcullin00@hotmail.com
Painting a room [fragment]. First [insert
a comma] if I was [use subjunctive mood--'were' not
'was'] painting a room in my house I would remove
most of the items from the room, [delete the comma] and then proceed to cover throughly
[thoroughly] the larger
and imobile [immobile] items like your [don't
fall into second person--you're talking about YOUR room, not someone else's] bed or dresser. After doing so
[insert a comma] tape your [ditto]
base boards
if you do not want them painted, [new sentence] if you do
[insert a comma] put a four[-]inch strip of tape on the
carpet next to [the] base boards [insert
a comma] throughly [thoroughly] covering the carpet by the base. Now your
your [you are, not your your] ready to paint, except for finding color which should be pretty easy
[new sentence] pick
the color you want or the color your wife wants. Okay [insert
a comma] you've got that [insert a comma] now
[so, not now] mix
the paint and then proceed to paint. When applying the paint [insert
a comma] try to go in
every direction possible to eliminate easily seen roller lines. After [the]
first coat
is applied [insert a comma] wait [for
it] to dry and eat a butterfinger [capitalize] or any candy of your
choice [why the candy?], then
apply your secound [second]. Okay [insert
a comma] that's done [new sentence] now do your base boards if you wanted them
painted. One coat should do it unless your [you are] changing your color
[new sentence] if so [insert a comma] two coats
should be sufficient. You've painted a room [insert a
comma and 'so'] now go on to the next.
In Jeff Kilcullin's paragraph he explains how to paint a room. I would probably do everything the way he did. I would probably pick out the paint before I did anything to make sure I found a color I liked first before I do all the work of moving everything out of the room. Other than that [insert a comma] I would do everything the same except eating a candy bar while waiting for the paint to dry.
Jeff wrote a paragraph that [concerning, not that] what we have to do before painting a room.But [put two spaces after every period] when he start[ed] he should have to write in the present.And he might have to choice [choose] about [delete 'about'] the colour first,before [put a space after the comma] clean[ing] the room.
Mac
markmcmanus00@hotmail.com
This paragraph is written on how to run a computer program(s) in windows [Windows]
95.
After you ['To,' not 'after you'] start-up the computer, which means
[delete 'which means'] you need to push in the power
button in if the system is off-line. If it is on-line move the mouse so
the screen saver suts [shuts] off. Then [insert
a comma] locate the program(s) that you wish to run [insert
a comma] which will either be on the desktop or be in [on,
the not in] the hard disk [drive? or a hard disk?]. After locating
the program(s) that you wish to run [insert a comma] then
[lose 'then'] you will need to either double-click
the left mouse button, [lose the comma] or push the right mouse button and left click the
"open" task bar. Then the desired program(s) will start-up.
Okay [insert a comma] the way old mark [Mark] wants you to start up a program is way to[o] complicated for the computer illiterate person. The way most people like me would go about starting up a program is basically asking the teacher if I don't understand. Just kidding [new sentence--this is a fragment, by the way] well [insert a comma] not really, [new sentence] somtimes [Sometimes--insert a comma] I really get confused with computers. First [insert a comma] I would turn on the computer by pressing the on button and go to the icons that would get me where I need to go. [That's exactly what he said to do]
Jennifer Spillman
ndebt2u@prodigy.net
The first step to hanging wallpaper would be to prepare the surface. The
wall should be clean and any previous wallpaper removed. If you plan to
remove the wallpaper in the future, pre-coat the wall with sizing. Sizing
may be purchased at any paint or wallpaper store. The sizing makes removal
easier in the future. The next step would be to measure the area you are
wallpapering. Take the measurements to the wallpaper store and pick out a
pattern. The store employees can help you decide how many rolls of paper
you will need and any additional supplies. If this is your first
experience at wallpapering [insert a comma] I would suggest a simple pattern. Complicated
pattern[s] are difficult to match. Also [insert
a comma] for you first time[rs] [insert a comma]
I would suggest
pre-pasted paper. This will explain to how to hang pre-pasted. Now
that you have your paper, you need to find the center of the first wall you are
papering. Mark a chalk line to insure your first row is hung correctly.
Measure the length you need and cut the correct amount off of the roll. [and?]
In Jennifer Spillmann['s] paragraph [insert a comma] it [she, not it] explains about wallpapering a room. I do not like to do that in a room [new sentence] I would and have [replace 'and have' with 'rather'] paint the room than to [lose 'to'] wallpaper it. Painting a room is to me simiplier [simpler] than it would [be] to wallpaper it. [In] Painting a room, you first have to make sure that the walls are clean. Next [insert a comma] is [replace 'is' with 'you need'] to protect the trim in the room, [which, not this] this is done by using tape along the exposed edge of the trim. Now you need to start painting the walls by starting at the ceiling [insert a comma] and when this is finished you can start painting the rest of the wall. With this known [insert a comma] I believe that paint is faster and less complicatied [complicated] than wallpapering the wall.
Nick Slape
nslape00@hotmail.com
My work day begins by walking back to the time clock;which [replace
the semicolon with a comma--put a space after the comma] is at the back of the
store, and clocking in.The [put two spaces after a period]
next thing I do is walk all the way back up to the
front of the store to go outside and collect the carts from off of the lot. I
continue the process of going in and out collecting carts and bringing them into
the store for a few hours [there are THAT many carts out
there?], then [I] take a break. After my first break is over I
continue collecting the carts off the lot until my next break. When my next
break comes I get to eat dinner and shop around until I have to go back to work.
After break [insert a comma] its [it
is] back to collecting the carts again until I get to go on my last
break;which [replace the semicolon with a comma--put a
space after the comma] is only 15 minutes long [insert
a comma] like my first break. then [capitalize]
[insert a comma] I take my last
break and continue collecting carts and bringing them in until its time for me
to clock out and go home. Finally [insert a comma] after working hard pulling carts
[insert a comma] I get to go
home and go to bed.
In the paragrapgh [paragraph] written by Nick Slape [insert a comma] he describes a normal day at work. One of the problems I noticed was he never said where he works. When I finished reading I could only assume he worked at a grocery store. He did'nt [didn't] have to name the exact store but the type of store would have been helpfull [helpful] to the reader. I have never worked at a grocery [store] [insert a comma] but I have worked in retail. I was lucky to have been offered a job in the home office [insert a comma] so I no longer have to work retail and I hope I never have to again. I do not envy Nick for working retail.
Malkiat kooner
mkooner00@hotmail.com
goes [I go, not goes] everyday to work. I wake up five o,clock
[o'clock] in the morning ,and [lose
the comma] Ieave for work
6 a.m [insert another period after 'm'] daily. I starts
[start, not starts] the [lose
'the'] work at 7 a.m .I [move the period to the 'm'
and put two spaces after it] works [work, not
works] in the plastic factory .I [move the period
over and put two spaces after it, like ''...factory. I"] gets [get,
not gets] three breaks in eight hours. Both men and women are working there. But ,work
[put the comma right after 'but' and put a space after it]
is
too much busy. [much too busy--in what sense?]
In Malkiat's paragraph [insert a comma] he describes how his work day begins. He says that he works at a plastic factory, and [he] starts work a six in the morning and gets three breaks in an eight hour work day. I work a Wal-Mart and usually start work at five in the evening. I also get three breaks, but I only work for about six hours. There is [are] also men and women that [who, not that] work at Wal-Mart.
maureen baker [capitalize your name]
moeb29@hotmail.com
A typical day for me at work begins as soon as I walk in the door to my office.
I get to work each day at least a half an hour early. The first thing I do
is check my desk for messages from the time I left the day before. These
are used to help organize my day, so I take the time to place them in order of
importance. By this time [insert a comma] it is nessecary
[necessary] for me to grab my coffee cup and
sit down in the lunch area to read the comic strips. This usually absorbs
my time for about ten minutes and two cups of coffee [you
drink two cups of coffee in ten minutes?]. After I set down the
paper [insert a comma] I will take the time to visit with the production and inspection employees
to ask about them personally. But I am also listening for problem areas
they may be having in the plant. I go back to my office when the buzzer
goes off at seven am. This is when I begin my regular work day.
Erik Statler
estatler00@hotmail.com
Several steps must be taken in order to complete the task of changing your oil
in your car. [The] First order of buissness [business]
to take care of is to gather all of the
necessary items to complete the task; [replace the
semicolon with a comma] such as, [lose this comma]
oil, oil filter, drain pan, shop
towels, and a set of wrenches to loosen the drain plug. The next thing to take
care [of] would be to acquire access under the car; furthermore,
[one should] make sure to take
the proper safty [safety] procedures. Third, but not last, you need to slide the drain
pan under the oil plug and oil filter, then remove them (not neccessarily [necessarily]
at the
same time). With all the oil removed, you can install the new oil filter and
reinstall the drain plug. Finally, with the plug and filter installed, you can
now let down the car and fill it back up using the proper oil weight and amount.
In Erik Statler's process paragraph [insert a comma] he describes how to change the oil in a car. This is a process I would follow [insert a comma] but I would need more decriptive [descriptive] instructions. First [insert a comma] I would need to know exactly what type of oil, filter, and tools [insert parentheses around this last phrase] such as metric or standard. Then [insert a comma] I would need to know how to safely support the vehicle. It might also be good to note when draining the oil not to have your face directly under the exit. Last, how can I be sure that I have reassembled the filter and drain plug correctly? This is important to me because I have had my engine replaced by a garage that didn't do their [its] job properly.
Chrissy Spooner
Ckspooner@aol.com
I used to inspect unaccompanied housing for senior NCO's and Officers, [lose
the comma] when I was on active duty in Okinawa, Japan. First, you need to find out when
the member is leaving the island, then schedule the inspection atleast [at
least is two words] three
days in advance to ensure you will have enough time to reschedule if they fail.
They are authorized three days in billiting [billeting]
[insert a comma] and they need to use that to ensure
the room is clean. Then, when the actual inspection would begin [insert
a comma] I would walk through the
front door [and] look at the door to see that it is clean
[new sentence] the walls do not need to be
as clean [, for] they will be painted; the nails need to be removed
[insert a comma] though. Next is the
kitchen [new sentence] the freezer had [has]
to be defrosted and I would check for ice pick marks, [new
sentence] sometimes they would try to use ice picks and they would puncture the freezer
causing it to leak antifreeze. Then, the drip pans on the stove need to be
new or look new, which is very hard to do if you have ever scrubed [scrubbed]
one of these
you know [lose 'you know']. tHey [They]
could trade the old ones in for new ones on base [insert
a comma] so they didn't [don't, not didn't] even need to buy these. Then
[insert a comma] lift the top of the stove [new
sentence] it should have a stick to
hold it up and ensure this is clean. Then [insert a comma]
check the cabinets and if there were
cleaning supplies they would take them [these, not them] with them. The rest was
pretty easy because the furnature [furniture] is not in the room
at this point. The bathroom needs to be as clean as possible looking for [replace
'looking for' with 'without'] rings
on the tub and ensure [lose 'and ensure'] the mirror is
[replace 'is' with 'should be'] cleaned and [the]
medicine cabinet is [replace 'is' with 'should be']
empty.
Finally, the living room and bedroom should have nothing in it [them,
not it]. In these rooms [insert a comma] they just need to have been vacuumed and empty and, of course, these doors need
to be clean as well.
In Chrissy's process [insert a comma] she was inspecting rooms to make sure others could move in. She stated doors and all the floors had to be clean, the walls would have to be painted and kitchens would be cleaned from top to bottom. Her process was very good checking large rooms first then checking small things last, although she would check some small things as she walked through like the doors and things like this. I can not [cannot is one word] think of a better way to do it [insert a comma] but maybe having two people walk through would ensure nothing was missed. This would only make it better for me because I would be sure nothing was missed.
In Chrissy Spooner's process [insert a comma] she discribes [describes] a[n] inspection of NCO home prier [prior] to them [their] moving in [out, you mean]. The paragraphs seem to explain all of the proper details of a thorough inspection; also, this inspection is completed by military personel [personnel], which says for itself that it would be looked over carefully. If this were my paragraph, I think that I would include the type of home first [insert a comma] or I would include the general types of homes I inspected; for example, [the] number of stories and rooms. I imagine this would be the way I would write it so that someone who didn't know the homes would understand what I am inspecting.
Robbin Koker
o2feelwell@aol.com
There are many different relationships in the world today, but we will focus on
romatic [romantic] relationships. I will try to give this process with the best descriptive
notes as possible. First you may meet a person that [who,
not that] sparks your curiousity [curiosity],
[new sentence] even if you may not realize at the time, you go home with thoughts of your
encounter. Next, days will go by, and thoughts of them [of
whom?] keep crossing your
mind. After that, a phone call or by chance another meeting will occur,
resulting in a date. Meanwhile, you may have continual thoughts of this
person, and you experience feelings of anticipation. You go to dinner, and
during the conversation, you realize that both of you have the same dreams,
hobbies, and goals. Now you start having more intimate feelings, and you want to
be around that person more often. Soon, you will want to be with this
person all the time, and finally you ask the person for more of a commitment.
Personally, I think that individuals need to take the time to get to know a
person before they devote themselves to one another.
In Robbin Koker's proccess [process] paragraph [insert a comma] she writes about romantic relationships. I personally would have choosen [chosen] a more detailed intruction type [instruction-type] topic simply because it is a process paragraph. To make it easier to write [fragment]. Other than that [insert a comma] I thought it was a good paragraph [, for] that is generally what happens. Although, I would have left out one sentence, [lose 'one sentence'] the last sentence, [new sentence] it seems out of place in a paragraph like this. It is too opinionated for the paragraph, but that is just my opinion, right. ;-)