Exercise 4-3
Narrative Technique

Marc McManus

An important decision of mine was to go back to school to continue my education.  In that it was a way to get a pay raise and to show everyone that I can and that I am better than they are.   With the degree I can sell my skills to the highest bidder.  Because of these ideals I have desided [decided] to go back to school.

In what way are you better than everyone else for going back to school?  Is that the only reason for doing it?  To satisfy your own vanity?  Develop this idea a bit.  What does education bring with it aside from economic advancement?

Nick Slape

I once had a frightening situation happen to me a few years ago. My family and I went to California to visit my older brother because he had lived there for a while because he was stationed in California when he was in the Marines. [You have too many because clauses in here--rework the syntax] My family and I were staying in a hotel and we decided to go and eat dinner at the Dennys [Denny's?] next to the hotel my family and I were staying in [delete this last part, 'my family and I were staying in,' as it's redundant], so we were walking over to Dennys and I was walking on the curb. My mom told me to get off of the curb and for some reason I jumped off of the curb into the middle of the street and almost got hit by a car. This is important to me because I learned that I should not jump into the street when I am told to get of the curb, so I learned a valuable lesson from that situation. [this second clause merely repeats the first, so it's unnecessary]

Jennifer lenssen [capitalize your last name]

The happiest moment of my life was when I had my son.  I was nine months pregnant [put 'about 2 weeks away from delivery' in parentheses, followed by a comma] about 2 weeks away from delivery and my boyfriend and I decided to go to the movies.  During the movie I started feeling slight pains that only lasted a few seconds and were not very regular [insert a comma] so I just ignored them.  As the night moved on [insert a comma] the pains got worse [insert a comma] but they still were not regular so I new [knew] there was nothing I could do.  It was about midnight friday [capitalize] night and I was awoken from my sleep with [by, not with] these same pains but now they were getting worse, [insert a period, start a new sentence] at this point [insert a comma] I decided to wake up my mom and tell her what was going on.  She said go back to sleep and if they keep happening come and get me and we will time them. [put direct quotes inside of quotation marks] The pains continued [insert a comma] so once again I woke up my mom and went down stairs.  All night I was awake with cramps and pains [insert a comma] but because they were not coming every 2 to 5 minutes there was still nothing I could do.  Finally [insert a comma] it was saturday [capitalize] morning and the pains kept continuing [insert a period] I was starting to get nervous [insert a period] I new [knew] that the baby woife. [woife? I think the last part of your paragraph got chopped off in cyberspace--how would you end it?]

Brittany  Majzun

A difficult choice that I had was filing for divorce. My ex-husband and I got married very young. We foung [found] out that I was having a baby my senior year [in high school?--insert a comma] so we thought that it would only be right to get married.  His mother did  not like me from the beginning and that cause [caused] alot [a lot is two words] to [of, not to] problems. Soon [insert a comma] we did not even talk unless it was about our son [insert a comma] Austin [insert a comma] or bills.  I started working overtime at my work and sending [spending] less time at home in the evenings. Finally [insert a comma] that drove my ex[-]husband to find someone else that [who, not that] would put up this his crab [his crab?]. When I heard the messages that this  female was leaving, I made the choice to leave him and start a new life with my son. I filed for divorce a few days later, [insert a period, start a new sentence] I was scared and felt alone. But now I have made the best choice. Now I realize that I did not know what love meant. I was marring [had married, you mean] this man because of what other people thought  was right. I'm finally happy. [with a single life? with the divorce? with the prospect of beginning a new life?  clarify what makes you happy]

Shawn Westfall

I've had to make some important choices in my life . This story consist[s] of a battle between me and [my] father over sports and responsibility. The choice was between playing sports in high school or getting my drivers liscense [license]. I played or participated in sporting events , [delete the comma] since I've been [I was, not I've been] four years old. My father really hates sports and the influnences [influence] of [that, not of] sports has on people.  At this time, I was entering my junior year in high school and a lot of people depended on me [my, not me] competing in sports. This was my break[-]out year in high school in terms of sports and my participation and commitment to my teammates. I figured that receiving my drivers liscense [license] should be held off until I was ready. My dad constantly complained on a daily basis that sports would not benefit me in any way that was revelent [relevant] to daily living. After fighting for this issue for most of the year, therefore [this conjunction is misplaced--delete it and replace with 'he finally] he gave in and I won the battle. I actually got my liscense [license] a couple of years later and haven't regreted [regretted] it. [haven't regretted what?  getting the license? or putting off getting the license until you finished high school sports?] Yeah, I missed out on a lot during my high school years. [this conclusion sort of destroys the story--you can't have not regretted putting sports ahead of a drivers license and then conclude that the decision kept you from enjoying your high school experience]

Kris Askins

My conflict with authority happened about two years ago. I was following a friend [insert a comma, then put an 'and'] when she turned a corner her tires spun. A police car hit his lights and pulled her over. Now [insert a comma] I was following her to a place I had not been befor[e] [insert a comma] so I had to wait. I drove past the street she was pulled over on from a block over a few times [awkward syntax--reword this] waiting for her to get done so we could go. After about 5 minutes [insert a comma] I went around the block one more time [insert a comma] but this time four police cars surrounded me. They pulled me from my truck put hand cuffs on me and put me in the police car. When I was told what I was being arrested for the officer stated I had failed to stop when told to pull over. Now I have to tell you first that this was the middle of Feb. [insert a comma] so my windows were up and the raido [radio] was on. The officer told me he yelled at me to stop because he did not know who[se] tires were spinning and wanted to talk to us both. "Fine[insert a comma]" I said. ["]But how am I to hear you yell from a block away with windows up and a raido [radio] on?["] He didn't care [insert a comma] and I went to jail. [something about this story just doesn't sit well--why would four police cars surround you and give you such harsh treatment for failing to stop after one car was pulled over and you had no reasonable expectation that you were being pulled over, too?  is tire spinning really a crime in this area?]

Erik Statler

My most memorable holiday was the 4th of July, [delete 'in] in 1999. The celebration day began with a large barbeque and some of the less colorful explosives; otherwise, loud over brilance [brilliance] [clarify--this second clause should be a complete sentence]. When the barbeque was finished, we all made a trip to the stands for a final check of show items. As the day begain [began] to fade [insert a comma] some friends of mine, including me [replace 'including me' with 'and I'], begain [began] to set up the masive [massive] display; futhermore [furthermore], the display consisted of approximiatley [approximately] $2300 dolars [dollars--worth of explosives?  why?]. During the show we had at least three or more particapants [participants--engaged in what?  lighting the fireworks?  was this a private show, or a public one?] the whole time. The display was incredably [incredibly] loud and lit the entire sky around my house; furthermore [try not to use the same conjunctive adverb twice in one paragraph], I was told the show depicted a war zone. This holiday was my most memorable because I out[-]did myself over ever other year.

Malkiat kooner

I came from India last year [insert a comma] which was [my arrival in the United States being, not which was] the happiest moment of my life. when [capitalize when] I reached at [the, not at] airport, I was very happy . The aeroplane [airplane] take [took] off  from Delhi airport and i [capitalize I] reached at [lose 'at'] Saint Louis airport [how long did the flight last?]. I saw that this county [country] was very clean . The rules of the road are very good . If you need any help from somebody they help you . There is [are] different types of rituals [insert a comma] which is something different from my country [how so?]. Everybody is independent in this country .The [the period should go right after the last word in the sentence--don't leave a space--and two spaces should be left after the period before the next word--'in this country.  The] style of life is very comfort[able] here .Everybody is enjoying life in this country. [everybody?]

Kristen Siesennop

A difficult choice I have to make is whether or not to stay at the job I have now or finding [find, not finding] a new one.  The job I [have] now has many pros and cons. The pros of my job is [are, not is] that I like the people I work with and I think that, [lose the comma] that is very important in a job. The work I do is usually not a challenge [insert a comma] and I get to work at my own pace [wouldn't you prefer more challenging work?]. The owners bring there [their] dogs in, so I usually play with them [you might have mentioned before this point what sort of job it is that you have--otherwise, I have no idea what you're doing with these dogs]. The cons of my job is [are] that I don't really get along with the owners [owner's] son who will soon be incharge. ['in charge' is two words] We had a few misunderstandings on his part. [how so?] He knows I don't think to highly of him now and also nows [knows]I want to quit. He has managed to talk me into staying twice now [if he's the one making the effort to keep you, how can it be his fault?]. I really like my job I have now [lose 'I have now'] and want to stay, and [I] hope that things will work out between us, but then I think quiting [quitting] may be the better for the both of us. This is important to me because it is something I have to deal with everyday whether I want to or not, and having to make a decision that will change my life in [is, not in] a great deal right now.

Shane Humphrey 

The happiest moment in my life was the birth of my first child. This story begins a week earlier when my wife stops [stopped] by my work to tell me she will probally [would probably] go into labor tonight. [that night, not tonight] So all that night and the rest of the week I could not sleep [because] I was to[o] excited .[be careful of your end punctuation--a period follows immediately after the word, then two spaces follow before the next word]Finally [insert a comma] she went into labor and I thought [use quotes] now I'II get to see my kid [insert a comma, and an end-quote] except it took a little longer than Ithouht [I thought, you mean] [insert a dash] about 18 hours [insert a dash] than [then] I got the chance to see my son.

maureen baker [capitalize your name]

Recently [insert a comma] there have been many difficult choices in my life.  The most recent has been what topic to write about in my developmental writing class.  There are always so many interesting topics to write about [insert a comma] but whenever I sit down to do the assignment I go blank.  I can look at each subject and know I have experienced most of them at one time or anouther [another].  The hard part is picking the one situation to write about.  Sometimes the subjects will inspire me to think of so many ideas that I have a tough time focusing on one or two aspects.  I also find it hard to use the right words to express what I want the reader to understand.  This is a frustrating situation because I can think of the most awsome [awesome] things [insert a comma] but as soon as I try to express them by writing I get lost. [give me an example of one time this has happened and you have yourself a story]

jeff kilcullin [capitalize your name]

The most frightening situation of my life happened just this last weekend on saturday [capitalize] night. I was driving my girlfriend home when out of no where [nowhere is one word] a car appears [don't switch tense--appeared] in front of me. I immediatley [spelling, immediately] swurved [swerved] to the right lane just barely missing the car.  Now my girlfriend and I were pretty shook up but my brain told me to call 911.  I dropped Lesley off [at] her house and went back to look for this guy. It was pretty obvious to spot a guy driving east bound in the west bound lane.  I finally saw the guy surrouned [surrounded] by the police, [start a new sentence] he had struck the median at a[n] aproximate [approximate] speed of eighty five mph, so the cop said. Boy [insert a comma] was I ever pissed off [insert a dash] he could have killed us. To make a long story short [insert a comma] the guy drank [had drunk] so much alcohol you could float a boat with it.  Bottom line [insert a dash] we were scared. You know [insert a comma] it's not everyday [every day is two words in this case] that your life flashes before your eyes.

arthur m frentzel [capitalize your name]

Life is full of lessons.  Lessons learned throughout life can help us to evolve and raise [us to] higher conscious levels [levels of consciousness].  A lesson that was very important was to learn to drown desire.  The lesson of how to hurdle overwhelming willbusters such as desire, [delete the comma] can only occur if the mind is at ease.  Listening to God is one of the few ways that desire can be snuffed.  It is important to know that God talks to everyone , [put the comma right after the word, not a space after] although few hear him.  When your mind is still [insert a comma] your conscience tells you what is good as well as the survivible [spelling--how do you mean?] choices so that you do not fall.  and [capitalize] to listen to the voice of God telling you to ,[lose the comma] "Loose [Lose] the ego," it [delete the comma and the 'it'] helps quite a bit and [replace the 'and' with a 'for' and add a comma] discipline has a greater chance to be applied.

Robbin Koker

I recently had to make a difficult choice concerning the welfare of a nephew and how it would impact my immediate family.  My sister called me and asked if I would take one of her children into my home so that he would not be put into the juvenile system.  I told her that I would have to talk to my husband and I would call her in a couple of days. My husband and I conversed over the issue and how it would effect [affect] our children.  My nephew not only had a disipline [discipline] problem, but he also had a drug problem.  We had to decide if we would have the time, resources and energy to battle his problems with him.  In addition, we had to think how it would shape our children's lives.  After looking at all that lay before us [insert a comma] we decided against taking him in our home.  Although the answer was difficult to decide, it was going to be even more difficult to call my sister and give her the decision.  The decision was hard to make, but the impressions that would have made on our family would have lasted forever.  Our children [the rest of your story got chopped off in cyberspace--could you resend it?]

rochelle d. gray [capitalize your name]

A difficult choice that I made was to choose to have a kid at a young age. To some this would not have been a difficult decision. Because [delete the period and lower case because--in what sense do you mean this?  that most people would have just had an abortion?] being young you want to hold on to your youth while you can. Now that I am older and made the deicison [decision] it seems like at [lose 'at'] the choice was a good one because my son came out of it.  But, I think about why I did choose to have a baby and think to myself I just was not strong enough to stand up for myself and say no [to what?  having the baby, or having sex?].  I want to wait or say to the guy my real feelings on starting a family at 19 years old.  All along I wanted to start school and go away to school.  [replace the period with a comma, lower case 'not'] Not be trapped down by someone who has already made their [pronoun/antecedent disagreement--someone/their] made up on how they want their [ditto] life to be [are we still talking about the baby?  or the boyfriend?  clarify].  I guess the whole thing is selfish to the child because the person who want[ed] the family only wanted the family if I was involued. [involved] So since [reword--not 'so since,' but 'since then'] I've grown up and realized that your [my or one's, not your] dreams do not stop because you [I, not you] have a baby.  That person [who?  don't skip back and forth--clarify--is this a story about your boyfriend's irresponsibility, or about your decision to keep a baby?  was that decision predicated upon the expectation that your boyfriend would stay with you?  develop this] does not help with the child that he help[ed to] create.  Which if i would 've known this I [the rest of your story got chopped in cyberspace--could you resend it?]

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