Exercise 3-3
completed 1-25-00
S1:
There are many challenges that students face. There are two problems that
I have faced for the same class this year. My first problem was when I
came to school on the first day and went to my Developmental writting [writing]
class I
was informed that it was cancelled, [start a new
sentence here, or replace the comma with a semicolon] no one ever called me or sent me a letter or
anything. Since my class was cancelled [insert a
comma] I had to take it at another time so
that I could get my financial aid, [replace this
comma with a period] I already had classes on mon, wed and
fri, [capitalize these abbreviations--lose the comma] from 10:00 to 1:10
[insert a comma here] so I could not take it on any of those days,
[replace this comma with a period] the only
time that it [replace 'it' with 'a class'] was avaible
[available] that I was not working was on tuesday
[capitalize Tuesday] night. The
second problem that I faced was with my text book in that class. Are [Our]
teacher told us that we all had the wrong book and we could just exchange it
[insert a period here and capitalize 'when'] when I went to exchange it
[insert a comma here] I found out that we [replace
'we' with 'I'] had to pay additional money to
get that book. Well [insert a comma] of course
[insert a comma] I didn't have the money [insert
a comma] so I had to wait, [replace the
comma with a period] finally [insert a comma
here] I got the book and now im ['I am,' not
'im'] in the right class at the right time with the
right book on the right day! [Praise Be!]
There are many challenges that students face. There are two problems that I have faced for the same class this year. My first problem was when I came to school on the first day and went to my Developmental writing class I was informed that it was cancelled; no one ever called me or sent me a letter or anything. Since my class was cancelled, I had to take it at another time so that I could get my financial aid, [replace this comma with a period] I already had classes on Mon, Wed and Fri from 10:00 to 1:10 ,so I could not take it on any of those days. The only time that a class was available that I was not working was on Tuesday night. The second problem that I faced was with my text book in that class. Our teacher told us that we all had the wrong book and we could just exchange it. When I went to exchange it, I found out that had to pay additional money to get that book. Well ,of course ,I didn't have the money ,so I had to wait. Finally ,I got the book and now I'm in the right class at the right time with the right book on the right day!
S2:
Peer pressure is very real and painfull [spelling]. My whole life I have been
overwieght [spelling]. I know it has affected my entire life. It has lowered my
self-estem [spelling]. I never thought I was as good as everyone else. The
feeling of inferiority keeps me from expressing myself. Sometimes it would
be so bad I would'nt [misplaced apostrophe] want to leave the house. I have tried to overcome it
[insert a comma] but something will [tense--would
always] happen to set my efforts back. For example, when
someone points and snickers when your [pronoun
disagreement...'when I am'] at the mall [complete
the thought--then what?]. Most people think peer
pressure only occurs to children [insert a comma]
but it continues through out [throughout is one word] life.
[conclude the point--how is peer ridicule the same as
peer pressure?]
Peer pressure is very real and painful My whole life I have been overweight. I know it has affected my entire life. It has lowered my self-esteem. I never thought I was as good as everyone else. The feeling of inferiority keeps me from expressing myself. Sometimes it would be so bad I wouldn’t want to leave the house. I have tried to overcome it, but something would always happen to set my efforts back. For example, when someone points and snickers when I am at the mall that is very painful. Most people think peer pressure only occurs to children, but it continues throughout life. You always feel pressure to be perfect and fit in.
S3:
Youth today faces peer pressure everyday [in this case,
two words 'every day', somewhat redundant with 'today']. They worry about fitting in, having
all the cool clothes, coolest friends [to keep your
sentences parallel, you have to have a verb -ing form before coolest] and getting good grades.
When I was in high school [insert a comma] I can remember girls not eating just to be that
perfect size 5. I had a girlfriend that [who, not that]
would eat lunch and moments later
be in the restroom getting sick. People don't realize that this is not a game
[insert a semicolon here] it
is their life. If people can [not--you need a negative
in this clause for the next clause to make sense] start living for myself
[themselves, you mean] and not [for]
someone else or [for] any
image [insert a comma here] than [then,
not than] the youth will not get any better.
Youth today faces alot of issues with peer pressure. They worry about fitting in, having all the cool clothes, having coolest friends and getting good grades. When I was in high school, I can remember girls not eating just to be that perfect size 5. I had a girlfriend who would eat lunch and moments later be in the restroom getting sick. People don't realize that this is not a game; it is their life. If people can not start living for themselves and not for someone else or for any image, then the youth will not get any better.
S4:
I was actually thinking about this [about what?
introduce the idea in the first sentence] today. I was thinking about a friend of
mine that [who, not that] dresses very nice[ly] and is well groomed, and it really does improve a
persons [person's] appearance. I was comparing her to another friend of mine that
[who, not that] usually wears kind of scruby
[spelling] clothes. I'm not one to judge by appearances
[the comma goes before the coordinating
conjunction, not after] but, the one that [who,
not that] dresses in the more attractive clothing and is more clean [insert
a hyphen] cut
seems to be more positive and have a better outlook on life [distinguish
between being positive and having a better outlook].
S5:
Peer pressure in the community today [fragment--what
about it?--link it with the next sentence in half the words]. Peer pressure is around everywhere today.
It is at work, at school, or around friends. Peer pressure really hits kids
when they are young and want to fit in with everyone at school. When I was in
middle school [insert a comma] all of my friends used to skip lunch and go smoke. My best friend
at the time wanted to fit in with a different group of friends, and that group
smoked. I eventually felt left out and wanted to be part of the crowd she
was hanging out with. So [insert a comma] one day I skipped lunch with her and one of her friends
and went to smoke, [insert a semicolon or a period
here] we got caught smoking and ended up in the principals [principal's]
office.
We all got in trouble and got suspended from school. I learned my lesson and
have never smoked again, and she still smokes today and wants to quit but can't.
Peer pressure is in the community everywhere today. It is at work, at school, or around friends. Peer pressure really hits kids when they are young and want to fit in with everyone at school. When I was in middle school, all of my friends used to skip lunch and go smoke. My best friend at the time wanted to fit in with a different group of friends, and that group smoked. I eventually felt left out and wanted to be part of the crowd she was hanging out with. So, one day I skipped lunch with her and one of her friends and went to smoke; we got caught smoking and ended up in the principal's office. We all got in trouble and got suspended from school. I learned my lesson and have never smoked again, and she still smokes today and wants to quit but can't.
S6:
Students face many challenges through [the] years. I'd have to say the hardest
challenge for some students is just passing onto the next level. other [capitalize
'other'] such challenges include, [comma
unnecessary] several nights of homework studying [distinguish
between homework and studying] and just plain
showing up to class. Let's see [replace 'let's see'
with 'with'] homework you got [replace 'you
got to' with 'one needs to'] to do [insert a
comma] or you won't understand
what you are doing [this is an awkwardly constructed
sentence that would read better "Without doing one's homework, there is no
chance of understanding the subject."]. Studying is a key factor,
[insert a semicolon] no studying equalls [spelling]
bad grade[s].
Showing up, [what about it?] If you don't show up don't even bother
[pretending?]
Students face many challenges through the years. I'd have to say the hardest challenge for some students is just passing onto the next level. Other such challenges include several nights of homework studying homework and studying and just plain showing up to class. Without doing one's homework, there is no chance of understanding the subject. Studying is a key factor, [insert a semicolon] no studying equals bad grades. Showing up, is another good one. If you shop to class you will be there to the full concept of everything the teacher is lecturing about. If you don't show up to class your just plain missing out on what is being taught.
S7:
Qualities that make a song popular are how you catch on
to it and how it appeals to a majority [careful--your
second clause doesn't list qualities, but conditions of popularity--tell me what
makes the song popular--i.e., rhythm, distribution, frequency, etc., and the
tell me what that popularity means]. For instence [spelling...insert
a comma here] if a song carries a good
beat you have a tendence [spelling] to follow
it [develop this point--why?]. For a song to be popular it also has to
appeal to a large group. Without appealing to a large group the song can't be
near as popular. [this last sentence is redundant with
the one that goes before it--what else can you say about popular
culture--Michael Jackson, for instance, had a huge following in the early
eighties and he lost it by the late eighties, then he reclaimed it in the early
nineties--does that say more about Michael Jackson, or about the changing tastes
of his public?]
Qualities that make a song popular, or how well known it may be,are the effects the rhythem,melody,or words have on a majority. For instance, if a song carries a good beat you have a tendancy to follow it, you can move to the beat, sing the words, and understand it. For a song to be popular it also has to appeal to a large group. Society will in the end determine wether or not a song will be popular, along with the way society is in that time period.
S8:
Rude Behavior [behavior in lower case--it's a common
noun] to me is something that has a long
lasting impression. You will never remeber [remember]
how nice someone was.
But, you always remeber [remember] the rude
waiter, cab driver, or check out clerk. [so,
immortality is guaranteed by rudeness?] For example [insert
a comma] I remember going to the store [when?
where?] and the girl that [who, not that] check out my items
was so rude. [...and having to deal with a rude
check out girl...is a better way of phrasing that second clause] I really felt she should have went
[have gone, not have went--and what you mean to say is
that she should have been sent home as a disciplinary action on the part of her
employer] home that day for [qualify this by
telling me what type of behavior--unprofessional?] behavior. I am so tried
[tired] of people taking their personal issue[s] out on
people they don't even know. To me that is so, [lose
the comma, lower case 'r' in rude] Rude.
S9:
Peer pressure is a problem that all ages have to deal with. As a
child [insert a comma--change child to children because
your sentence speaks in the plural] we had to deal with dares. As teens we had to deal with drugs, achohol
[spelling] and
other influences. Even adults have peer pressure such as the fact of going
out to drink with their buddies or going home to their families. We all make
choices in life, and how we deal with peer pressure is one of them.
Peer pressure is a problem that all ages have to deal with. As a children, we had to deal with dares. As teens we had to deal with drugs, alcohol and other influences. Even adults have peer pressure such as the fact of going out to drink with their buddies or going home to their families. We all make choices in life, and how we deal with peer pressure is one of them.
S10:
There are alot ['a lot' is two words, not one] of challenges that students face throughout their lives. One challenge students face is the peer preasure [spelling] to use drugs, and making a decision on wether [spelling] or not to use drugs or not [awkward sentence structure...'One challenge students face is the peer pressure to use drugs, which forces them to decide between their 'friends' and their morals'--something like that]. Another challenge that some people face is learning to drive, [omit the comma here] because not everybody can get used to driving as fast as others. School is another challenge we [you've skipped from students to people to 'we'--keep your subjects consistent] face because we have to work hard to learn all of the information that the teachers teach us, and not all of us are good at taking tests. This is important because we have to overcome these challenges to be successful in life.
There are a lot of challenges that students face throughout their lives. One challenge students face is the peer pressure to use drugs, and making a decision on whether or not to use drugs or not 'One challenge students face is the peer pressure to use drugs, which forces them to decide between their 'friends' and their morals'. Another challenge that some students face is learning to drive because not everybody can get used to driving as fast as others. School is another challenge students face because students have to work hard to learn all of the information that the teachers teach us, and not all of us are good at taking tests. This is important because students have to overcome these challenges to be successful in life.
S11:
Role models are important in the life of a child.
When a child is growing-up he or she looks at all the people around them [pronoun/antecedent
disagreement--a child/them] for
guidance. They form their thoughts and behaviors according to what they
are shown. Such as, [fragment--begin not with
'such as' but with "An example of their influences might be...] a fire-fighter doing a job that entails courage and
commitment. The child has seen what it takes to be like that person, and [he
or she] will grow-up with the same qualities if shown this enough
times [you think?]. I beleave [spelling]
that people who touch the lives of a child in a positive way will bring up a
more productive and functional adult.
Role models are important in the life of a child. When children are growing-up he or she looks at all the people around them for guidance. They form their thoughts and behaviors according to what they are shown with repetition. An example of a role mode might be a fire-fighter doing a job that entails courage and commitment. The child has seen what it takes to be like that person, and he or she will grow-up with the same qualities if shown this enough times. I believe that people who touch the lives of children in a positive way will bring up a more productive and functional adult.
S12:
The benfits [spelling] of working together [fragment--complete
the sentence with a verb and an object]. One you usaully [spelling--awkward
intro--"One usually gets...] get more accomplisd [spelling],
solve[s] more
complexed [no need for the -ed] problems and get[s] resuilts
[spelling] faster. Two [lose
'two'] if you [change 2nd person 'you' here
to third person 'one' to keep it consistent with the above change] did have a problem or did
not understand something you [he or she, not you] could get support from
others. This concept helps us
all and if you can not [cannot is one word, not two] agree at least disagree
ageable [spelling].
S13:
A successful movie is a movie that appeals to everyone. This movie will have a
good story line, along with good actors to tell the story. An example would be
Tomestone [Tombstone] with Val Kilmer and Kurt Russel. This movie has action, a little of a
love story, and also many very good one liners (Val DOC "I got two guns[--]one
for each of ya.") [explore how these specific
things make the movie a success] A good movie is important because it allows us to relax
and escape from reaity [spelling].
A successful movie is a movie that appeals to everyone. This movie will have a good story line, along with good actors to tell the story. An example would be Tombstone with Val Kilmer and Kurt Russel. This movie has action, a little of a love story, and also many very good one liners (Val DOC "I got two guns--one for each of ya."). These kind of things like a good story, and good lines makes the movie stay in your mind, so you can enjoy them later on by talking about them with friends as well as giving you enjoyment while watching it. A good movie is important because it allows us to relax and escape from reality.
S14:
The issue of peer pressure is an important issue in todays [today's]
society. We receive peer pressure from classmates, friends, and society as a
whole. The pressure of having sex, smoking, and being in the cool crowd are
things that have a negative [impact on, not in] in my life. I feel that I should have waited in
terms of having sex. I have people talk to me about sex on a daily basis. I
sometimes, [delete the comma] feel like I've sacrificed myself to be in the cool
crowd. By resisting
the peer pressures of others, I would have [would have
had] more confidence and respect for
myself. Resisting peer pressure is very important to help ourselves grow
as individuals. We need to focus on other aspects of our lives than in sex,
drugs, and being socially accepted by others. This is an important factor in life
that we need to take a closer look at and [in order to,
not and] explore different ways of solving this
problem. [nice paragraph]
S15:
I have heard many stories about terrible dates. I have also experienced a few of
my own. One of the funniest stories I heard was told to me by one of my sisters.
When she was picked up by her date the first thing she noticed was his car. It
was in poor condition, and when they left the house she saw strings hanging in
the door windows. She asked her date what they were for, but he only said he
hoped it wouldn't be necessary for her to find out. Within ten minutes of the
drive the sky grew dark and it began to rain. It was then that she found out
what the strings were for. Her date immediatly [spelling]
told her to pull on the string
hanging in the passenger window. This was the only way to work the windshield
wipers during the rain. [excellent!]
I have heard many stories about terrible dates. I have also experienced a few of my own. One of the funniest stories I heard was told to me by one of my sisters. When she was picked up by her date the first thing she noticed was his car. It was in poor condition, and when they left the house she saw strings hanging in the door windows. She asked her date what they were for, but he only said he hoped it wouldn't be necessary for her to find out. Within ten minutes of the drive the sky grew dark and it began to rain. It was then that she found out what the strings were for. Her date immediately told her to pull on the string hanging in the passenger window. This was the only way to work the windshield wipers during the rain.
S16:
Qualities that make a song popular, [remove the comma]
are not popular with my
girlfriend , [remove the comma] and myself [me,
not myself]. The music that is being produced ,[remove
the comma]and making the
most money, [remove the comma] does not have the qualities that popular music had twenty years ago.
Instead , [don't put a space after the word before the
comma--the comma goes right after] listeners who are annoyed by complexity ,
[remove the comma] force talented musicians ,
[remove the comma] who desire to be innovators ,
[replace the comma with 'to'] play much more basic boring songs.
Producers contract them to play these drab songs knowing that they will make
money from the pockets of an uninterested, uncultured , plastic teenage
America. [so, how do you really feel about
teenagers?] It is important that this situation be reversed lest the entire
future of America's culture be snuffed into boring, simple minds [add
a period]
Qualities that make a song popular are not popular with my girlfriend and me. The music that is being produced and making the most money does not have the qualities that popular music had twenty years ago. Instead, listeners who are annoyed by complexity force talented musicians who desire to be innovators to play much more basic boring songs. Producers contract them to play these drab songs knowing that they will make money from the pockets of an uninterested, uncultured , plastic teenage America. It is important that this situation be reversed lest the entire future of America's culture be snuffed into boring, simple minds.
S17:
Successful movies are that [those, not that] which has
[have, not has] interest in the story and has some
meaning of that story . [awkward
syntax--write, instead, "Successful movies are those which have an
interesting storyline with some meaning behind that story."]
Successful movies depend on the characteristics of the story. Every movie has different types of characters. Some of those have religious and some have secular types of movies.
S18:
When I see someone in clothing that is unattractive I wonder if the individual believes it looks good on them [pronoun/antecedent disagreement--individual/them], or if no [one] cared enough to tell them it doesn't. I've seen individuals at the mall with clothes on that look like they were meant for someone much smaller, and color schemes like they were dressed for halloween [capitalize it--it's a proper noun]. I'm not refering [spelling] to the recent styles of baggy pants or oversized shirts and such, [insert a period and capitalize 'This'] this is a definate [spelling] lack of ability to pick out clothing that will not cause others to point and snicker at you as you [pronoun disagreement--you started out talking about individuals in the third person plural--here, you've moved it to the second person singular--stay consistent] walk past. This is important to me because I would not want people to point and laugh at what I'm wearing, but then my family wouldn't let me out in public dressed like that either.
When I see people in clothing that is unattractive I wonder if they believe it looks good on them, or if no one cared enough to tell them it doesn't. I've seen individuals at the mall with clothes on that look like they were meant for someone much smaller, and color schemes like they were dressed for Halloween. I'm not referring to the recent styles of baggy pants or oversized shirts and such. This is a definite lack of ability to pick out clothing that will not cause others to point and snicker at them as you [pronoun disagreement--you started out talking about individuals in the third person plural--here, you've moved it to the second person singular--stay consistent] walk past. This is important to me because I would not want people to point and laugh at what I'm wearing, but then my family wouldn't let me out in public dressed like that either.