The Rams Offense
Shaun Ingram

REVISION:
The St. Louis Rams have become the greatest team in the NFL. Since Kurt Warner, Isaac Bruce, and Marshall Faulk have been on the team, the offense has been outstanding. In 1995, the Rams, the worst team in the NFL came to St. Louis. During their first season they had a losing battle against most of the NFL teams. They did not even come close to making the playoffs. Their second season was even worse, going two wins and forteen losses. In 1998 the Rams hardly had any fans and were still considered the worse team in the NFL. In that 1998 season they went on to win only six of the sixteen games. Last year the Rams only managed to win three games. This slump of terrible seasons died this year, after the franchize finally got some money for some decent players, or should I say excellent players. This year's improvements have been seen all over the world. The Rams have shocked millions, including St. Louis fans, earning all of the citys respect. This year Kurt Warner was chosen for the two awards. He was the most valuable player of the year and league MVP. Marshall Faulk was chosen as offensive MVP. The St. Louis Rams head coach Dick Vermiel was chosen as coach of the year. Isaac Bruce led the NFL with the most catches. Kurt Warner leads the NFL with most thrown touchdowns. Marshall Faulk set runningback records, with most yards in a season.

The St. Louis Rams going to the Super Bowl was well earned and well deserved. The offense and defense came together to form the greatest team in NFL history. They have completely blown competition out of the water. All season they have beaten teams by up to thirty points. Football fans at the beggining of the season thout it was just luck. Then as the season progressed, fans began to change their attitudes about thinking it was just luck. The team was not just playing as a team, but coming together as a family. The Rams all season would talk to eachother and were intelligent about harder plays. There has been many interviewers of Rams players and many times the player would say this team is like a family. Their attitudes on and off the field have contributed to their winning season. This making them not only a better team, but better people. The Rams offense is not just a symbol of talent, but of who they are and what they wish to accomplish. 

Rams offense is the best thing the Rams have in winning games. This is not to say that the defense is not key too, but it is not as explosive as the offense. There were two games that the Rams scored less than twenty one points. This was the game against Atlanta to go to the Super Bowl and the Super Bowl. Warner was accurate with his passes all season. The Rams were walking all over teams, with a record of seven wins and no losses, till they ran into Tennessee. The Rams were able to avenge themselves and St. Louis, by beating Tennessee in the Bowl. Rams have the best running back in the NFL. They had the an excellent coach too, who was very intelligent. Kurt Warner is with us , who not only does what needs to be done, but does more than what is expected. With out this Rams offense it would have been a difficult season to pull off a Super Bowl victory.

The Rams came into this season ready from the start. They beat Baltimore 27 to 10. In their second game they played Atlanta and won 35 to 7. They then went on to play Cincinatti and won 38 to 10. This is when all Rams fans began to get involved with their Rams team. They went on to play San Francisco and won 42 to 20. Next there was Atlanta whom they slaughtered 41 to 13. Then they moved to playing Cleveland who did not even come close, beating them 34 to 3. This brought Rams to Tennessee, who beat the Rams 24 to 21 and killed the winning streak. The Rams then played Detroit and lost again by the score of 31 to 27. At this point, everyone was still into the Rams, but were saying, its time to start playing good ball again guys. They went on to play Carolina and won 35 to 10. They then rolled over to San Francisco again and won 23 to 7. Then, they played New Orleans and won 43 to 12. Rams then played Carolina and won 34 to 21. They moved next to New Orleans again and beat them 30 to 14. Afterwords they played the New York Giants defeating them 34 to 10. The Rams were now playing ball and taking names. In the last three games they added to their record of wins with three more making them 16 and 3. The game against Atlanta was very close Rams had 14 and Atlanta had 13. This is the game the Rams moved onto to the Super bowl. What a tremendous season it was for the St. Louis Rams.

The Rams do not seem like the team that would win one season and get too big headed to win the next. I would lay my money down, saying the Rams offense is going to come out just as explosive next year under the new coaches leadership. If it comes down to someone that is well liked getting traded off the offensive end of the Rams the Rams will still carry that healthy attitude on the field. Without Vermeil as the coach or anyone else that may get traded on the team, this team will still be great. Even if we are missing a couple of key people there are alot of contributions from everyone; to make this the best team in the NFL.

Warner, Faulk, Jones, Bruce, and Proehl, have all become the talk of St. Louis. There are not many places a person can go without hearing about them or seeing them on shirts and everywhere else. They have taken St. Louis to a whole new level of faith in home teams. For all those that did not watch but three games before this season, they are now watching now. The Rams have taken the city of St. Louis which has been in slump with all sports for years and taken them to a new error of winning. They can catch they can throw and they sure can run. Now its as if everyone relys on them to make the city look good. Without Warner and Faulk, or Proehl and Bruce, the offense would be gone and so would the winning season.

Everyone would like to know where this sudden burst of energy came from. This energy that goes on to the field and plows over other teams. This group of athletes that came together for the first year and clobbered all the competition. The energy of a team always has the potential to go somewhere, its how hard you try that gets it. All the young men playing on that Rams team in this season had a goal set in the back of their minds. This goal was set at the beggining of the season. That in itself was the energy needed to do what they did this year.

The St. Louis Rams are the Champions. It feels good knowing the home team and all  of its city are champions. The offense and the defense played their hearts out all season. The whole season has had a major impact on fans all over St. Louis. They are making shirts of Rams players, of the whole team, the shirts of the championship news clippings. This is a moment in history that will be cherrished for years because we became the champions. This is a monumental thing, like  Mark Mguire and his 70 home runs. It really bring the St. Louis together and makes us feel better about who we are and what we represent. This is because we are the best, we are the champions, and we are the top dogs of football. Rams dominated this season let us see if they can go out and take names next year. If anyone were to ask my opinion on that subject. I would just have one thing to say, GET READY TO BOB AND WEAVE.

The St. Louis Rams have become the greatest team in the NFL. Since Kurt Warner, Isaac Bruce, and Marshall Faulk Have [lower case] hit the squad, [the] offense has been outstanding. The rest of the team also plays a major role. [doesn't that go without saying?] In 1995, the worst team in Los Angeles [did LA have more than one team?  do you mean, the worst team in the NFL?  move the name Rams to before the verb] came to St. Louis, the Rams. During there [their] first season they had a losing battle [against what or whom?], [lose the comma here] and didn't [no contractions] even make the playoffs. [is that something that is easy to do?] Their second season was even worse, going 2 and 14 [clarify, you mean wins to losses]. They continued this slump till this [identify the year--2 years from now someone reading this may have to have it in context] year, [clarify the transition between these two clauses] now that they have put some money into the franchise. This year[']s improvements in offense on the team has [subject/verb disagreement--improvements/has]  been seen all over the world. The Rams have shocked millions, including St. Louis fan[s]. [do you mean they shocked St. Louis fans into respecting them?] This year Kurt Warner was chosen for two awards. He was the most valuable player of the year and league MVP. Marshall Faulk was chosen as offensive MVP. The St. Louis Rams head coach Dick Vermiel was chosen as coach of the year. Isaac Bruce led the NFL with the most catches. Kurt Warner leads the NFL with most thrown touchdowns. Marshall Faulk set runningback records, with most yards in a season. [this is a good bit of background information with which to start off your paper, but it lacks a strong, central thesis--what exactly is it that you want to prove in this essay?  what is it that the 6 body paragraphs that follow can support?]

The St. Louis Rams going to the Super Bowl has been well earned and deserved. The offense and defense has come together to form the greatest team in NFL history. They have completlely [completely] blown competition out of the water. All season they have beaten teams, with up to 30 points [by up to 30 points, you mean--lose the comma]. People [which people?  the fair-weather fans, or the real fans?] at the beginning of the year thought it was just luck. then [capitalize, insert a comma] as the season progressed [insert a comma] people began singing a new tune.  [clarify your metaphor here--in what sense?] The team seems as if it's [it is] not just playing the game, but coming together as a family [end this sentence with a period]  The Rams talk to one another, [lose the comma] and are intelligent with harder plays. They keep their heads together and stay at a professional level. [clarify this difference between their staying together at a family and at a professional level...can they do both at once?]  It seems [isn't that true of all sports players?  why would you qualify that statement with 'seems'?] that the Rams are playing, not only to get paid, but [be]cause they love the game. Their attitudes on and off the field have contributeed [contributed] to there [their] winning season. This making them not only a better team, but better people. The Rams offense is not just a symbol of talent, but of who they are, and what they wish to accomplish. [nice closure--make sure it jives with your thesis when you come up with one]

Rams Offense [lower case] is the best thing the Rams have in winning games. Don't [lose the imperative voice and the colloquial qualification 'don't get me wrong'--replace it with a more formal, 'This is not to say that the defense is not key, too, but...'] get me wrong the defense is key too, but [it is] not as explosive as our offense. [ought a defense to be 'explosive'?  all they have to do is stop the play and, in the best of all worlds, intercept the ball] There was hardly ever a game this season that the Rams didn't [did not] get at least 21 points [give me the numbers on that--in how many games out of 19 did we fall below 21?  in your following paragraph on scores, you don't show one game where we did fall below 21 points]. Warner was accurate with his passes all season. The Rams were walking all over the other teams 7 and 0, till we ran into Tennessee. Now the Rams have a chance at revenge in the Super Bowl. [develop this idea in light of the recent victory--what does it mean that we were able to beat the team that had previously beaten us?] We have the best running back in the NFL. We have an excellent coach, who is very intelligent. Kurt Warner is with us, who not only does what needs to be done, but [does] more than what is expected. If the Rams offense did not contribute to the team, we would not be the best in the NFL. [that seems to go without saying--strengthen this closure by telling me the importance of this idea of a strong offense to the thesis] 

The Rams came into this season ready from the start. They beat Baltimore 27 to ten. In their second game they played Atlanta and beat them 35 to 7. We [this is an interesting point--after three sentences of talking about the Rams in the third person, you suddenly shift to first person--to what extent do we as fans translate our own identities to the team we stand behind?  answer that in your conclusion] then went on to play Cincinatti and won 38 to 10. This is when Rams fans began to grow interested in the whole thing.  [again, the true fans or the fair-weather fans?  anyone will get behind a winner--is there a difference between those that do so before they recognize the winner and those that have done so all along?] Then we played San Fran. and won 42 to 20. Next was Atlanta again [insert a comma] who[m] we slaghtered [slaughtered] the first game and beat this time 41 to 13. Then we moved to playing Clevelend [Cleveland] who didn't [did not] even come close [to] beating them [them or us?  don't vacillate so much between first and third person--say what you mean] 34 to 3. This brought us to Tennessee [insert a comma] who beat us and ended our loosing [losing] streak [incorporate this portion earlier in the sentence..."This brought us to Tenn., who beat us 21 to 24 and..."] they beat us 21 to 24. We then played Detroit [insert a comma] who beat us 27 to 31. At this point [insert a comma] everyone was still in to [into is one word here] the Rams and said now its [it is] time [for what?  develop that thought]. Then we played carilina [Carolina] and won 35 to 10. We rolled over to San. Fran again and Won [lower case] 23 to 7. Then [insert a comma] we played New Orleans and won 43 to 12. Then [insert a comma]it was off to carolina [capitalize] who we beat again 34 to 21. Then [insert a comma] [don't begin so many sentences in a row with 'then'--find another conjunction] we moved on to  play New Orleans and won 30 to 14. That is when [Afterwards, not 'that is when'] we played [the] New York Giants and won 31 to 10. Now we were whooping but [butt, not but--avoid colloquialisms like 'whooping butt'--find a more formal way of expressing that thought] and taking names [ditto on this expression]. The last three games we wrapped it up, [lose the comma] with a record of 13 and three to go and win the Super Bowl [you should include the playoff games here]. [good, but bring closure by telling me how this idea of our winning streak helps to support the thesis]

The Rams might no longer have Dick Vermiel as a head coach, but that doesn't [avoid contractions] make them any less of a team. [develop this idea...how long was Vermiel their coach?  what specifically did he do for their team?  why did he leave?  give me some background on this man] The Rams also don't [do not] seem like the team that would win one season; [lose the semicolon and the 'then'] and then get to[o] big headed to win the next. I would lay my money down, saying the Rams offense is going to come out just as explosive [next year?  under whose leadership?]. The team as of now remains the same. There were no traded players from my knowledge [didn't we just trade someone to the Titans?  what does that trade mean for the team?  how did the resignation of Vermiel facilitate this?]. If it does come down to someone who is well liked traded off the offensive end of the Rams [replace this period with a comma--clauses beginning with subordinating conjunctions need to be followed up by independent clauses]. You [lose the second person] can bet that your [you are, not your, and lose the second person] still going to see the same Rams attitudes on the field. [bring closure--is this paragraph about trading players or about our losing our head coach?  clarify--conclude by telling me how this idea of our having lost our coach is important to the thesis?] 

[introduce the idea of MVPs here, then go into these guys] Warner, Faulk, Jones, Bruce, and Proehl have all become the talk of St. Louis. There is [are] not many places you [lose the second person] can go without hearing about them, [this comma is not really necessary] or seeing them on shirts and everywhere else. They have taken the city of St. Louis to a whole new playing field [in what sense?]. It grabbed the city by the hand and pulled it to the top. [develop your metaphor here--in what way was the city on the bottom?  how is it that the city identifies with its team to the point of sharing its losses and successes?] The offense in papers and magizines [magazines--which ones, by the way?] considered this best of any offense since 1980 [awkward syntax here--rework this sentence]. They can catch, they can throw, and they sure can run. Now its as if you [lose the second person] rely on them to make St. Louis look good instead of all these other St. Louis franchizes [franchises], that haven't [no contractions] pulled through in a while. [don't digress into points that are irrelevant to this issue of our most valuable players--especially not in a concluding sentence] [bring closure by telling me how this idea of MVP is important to the thesis]

Everyone would like to know exactly how and where the boost of athletisism [athleticism] came from. I tend to believe it was Warner[']s leadership on the team. He has a way of staying calm and seeing the whole playing field. Then you got Faulk, who set up most of the plays for touchdowns with his thirty yard runs. Then you have Bruce, who could catch the ball almost everytime to bring them to victorys over other squads. Proehl was the lifesaver, meaning only at the most critical moments, where you thought it was over; he would come through with his amazing receptions. [you might integrate these names into the above paragraph on most valuable players--here, you just want to show me what you mean by athleticism--develop that idea a full paragraph to replace the above sentences] When it is all added up [lose the second person] it [clarify your pronoun here] equals a determined bunch of CHAMPIONS.  [sure it does, but what does this idea of athleticism have to do with the thesis?]

Well [[avoid beginning a sentence with 'well'] the St. Louis Rams are the champions. It feels great knowing we have finally done something in any sport [are you negating the victories of the other sports in St. Louis?  like the Cardinals' breaking of the home run record last year by Mark McGwire?]. The offense and defense played there [their] hearts out all season long. This has had a major impact on fans all over St. Louis. They are making shirts of Rams players, [of] the whole team, the [out of?] championship news clippings. This is moment in history that will be cherished for years. [because of the excitement and cohesion it brought to St. Louis?] This is [a] monumental thing, like Mark Maguire and his 63 [70, you mean--63 was just the number he had to get to beat the record of 62] home run[s]. It really brings St. Louis together and makes us feel better about who we are, and what we represent [why is that?]. We dominated this season; let's [let us see, you mean] see if we can go out and take names next year. If you [lose the second person] want my opinion on that I just have one thing to say, GET READY TO BOB AND WEAVE. [nice closure--I like that]