Some of the kids that play on the team have troubled lives. On the team, they feel like part of a family, in [lose the preposition here] which they are. A team is a family of players. The kids stay off the streets from when school starts at 7:45 a.m. untill [until] 5:00 p.m., [you don't need the comma here] when practice ends. On game days [insert a comma here] they don't [do not] get to go out untill [until] after the game [insert a comma here] usually between after school and 8:00 p.m. [to avoid having two prepositions back to back "...until after the game, which can last till 8:00 p.m. on some nights."] That is how the kids learn how to stay out of trouble, by being on the team. [good--make sure this concluding sentence shows me how this idea of basketball's keeping kids out of trouble is important to the thesis]

Some of the kids that watch the games have troubled lives also. They learn to stay out of trouble when they go watch the games. As they cheer for Hancock, they learn to be friends and have fun without getting into trouble. After the game, some of the kids stick around to wait for their friends that is [are, not is] on the team. After the game or a practice, the kids are afraid to get in trouble because they will not be eligable [eligible] to play on the team [don't mix those who play and those who attend--keep your references to those who play in the above paragraph] or attend the games. That is why the kids try to stay out of trouble. [don't repeat the concluding sentence of the previous paragraph here--this idea of fans is unique to the idea of players--why is it important to the thesis that their role as spectators keeps them out of trouble?]

The community helps Hancock High School when they [they as in the community members?  if so, they're acting as a collective unit, so use 'its members' instead of 'they'] go to the games. To get in[Entrance fees, not 'to get in'] for students it costs [lose 'it costs' and replace it with 'cost'] a dollar and for adults it costs [replace 'it costs' with a comma] two dollars. At the games, the school has a snack bar for the fans. When the students and the adults go to the games [insert a comma here] it helps the school raise money for new sports equipment and other items the school may use. When the community shows up and there are a lot of people in the stands, it hypes up the players and they get all excited and ready to play. When [you have three sentences in a row starting with the same coordinating conjunction--mix it up a little--reword the middle sentence] the players are hype[d] [insert a comma here] it helps them perform better on the court as opposed to [there being only] a few fans and [replace 'and' with 'causing the team not to perform...'] not perfo[r]ming as well as they could. The fans help the school raise money and the players perform well. [don't be redundant--tell me the significance of community support to the thesis]

Hancock basketball makes Lemay a little more recognizable. As a losing team in the past, Hancock was not really known in the past [lose 'in the past' and replace it with 'until recently']. This past year (1999), Hancock had a winning team. After being defeated by the Hancock Tigers, more schools now know  that Hancock is a small school located in the little town of Lemay. For the big schools that we lost to, they now respect Hancock and know about where it is located because it was a close game. [why is it important that these other schools know of Hancock?] Almost everyone knows where Hancock is located in Lemay because of the polls in the papers. [does that have anything to do with its basketball?]  Hancock was ranked number three in small schools. [this information should be placed earlier in this paragraph--bring closure by telling me how this idea of recognition is important to the thesis]

Hancock is bringing excitement to the Lemay community. The Hancock Tigers are in the District Championship game. The Lemay community is all wound up and excited about Friday night's Championship District game. At game time [insert a comma here] ninety percent of Lemay was at the District Championship game against the Bismark Indians. As the game rolls along, the Hancock fans go wild. All of the screaming and yelling hyped up the players. After every basket scored, after every foul, walk, or double dribble called [insert a comma here] the fans would cheer the Tigers on and "boo" the refs. The fans really got worked up and depressed after we lost. The fans was [were, not was] so angry with all of the referees' cheap calls and cheating ways they threatened the refs. [were the refs really cheating, or was team loyalty just so strong they couldn't stomach calls against their own?  did this have negative repercussions against the team?  was it perceived to be unsportsmanlike activity?  move this information about community indignation to the next paragraph--keep this one strictly about community excitement] The community was so excited at the game, [replace the comma with 'that'] it was almost like they've [they had, not they've] won a trip to the Super Bowl. It was the first time in twelve years the Tigers have been in a District Championship game. [bring closure--tell me the significance of this excitement to the thesis--the significance of what this did for the morale of the community]

The community backed the Tigers after they lost. The fans commented on the way the Tigers played and agreed on the refs cheating them out of a District title. [what would the refs have had in it for doing so?  you might move that indignation expressed in the above paragraph to here along with any explanation you might offer about how the conduct of the Tigers' fans was viewed by the District sponsors--and did the Tigers' fans care about any negative publicity?] They applauded the Tigers, shook their hands, and patted them on the back, because they [had] played their hearts out. The Lemay community congratulated the Hancock Tigers on a winning season with a pizza party held in the "Tiger Dome". The fans were proud of the Tigers. [sure they were, but what's the significance of the community's having stuck up for the Tigers to the thesis?]

As the caring coaches, staff, and students of Hancock High School attend the games and support their basketball team, it ['the team, in turn,' in place of 'it'] is letting them all ['everyone,' in place of 'them all']  have fun without being out on the streets and getting in trouble and lets them be safe of [from, not of] drugs for the time being. The police can tell when a game is going on because they get less calls for peace disturbance or whatever the kids do to have the police called on them. [so, how do you reconcile this with what you wrote earlier about the kids not getting into trouble when the games are not being played for fear of losing their space on or near the team?--shouldn't there be no calls to the police at all instead of their being fewer?] The gym was [is, not was] usually packed when the Tigers played. [link these two sentences with a comma in place of the period--the second sentence is actually a fragment] The crowd roaring and stomping for the Tigers as they are announced by name onto the floor. Hancock basketball was fun for everyone, even the troublemakers of the town. [bring closure by telling me why the thesis is important]