[before going into an illustration, give me an intro sentence that introduces me to this idea of children in sports--do children play sports because they see their sports idols playing it, or do they tune into sports because it is something they like to play? do all children become active in sports?  if not all, what percentage?  make this paragraph St. Louis specific--you start out the paragraph not by talking about St. Louis kids, but about kids in general--avoid that] Children all over this country do the same thing everyday, play sports.  These kids come home from school pull out their equipment and play till their parnets [parents] say its [it is, not its] time to come in.  Some of them play on amature [amateur] teams [what kind of amateur teams do we have for kids in St. Louis?] and [or?] play at home with the neighborhood kids in the street. All of these kids look up to the professionals.  They wear their names on their clothes, collect their cards, and pretend to be them while playing. If you [avoid second person] go into their room[s] [insert a comma] they have posters, trash cans, pictures, and some are lucky enough to [have] a baseball, hockey stick, or football signed by their favorite player. [bring closure by telling me why this idea of children in sports is important to the thesis]

[again, frame this idea around the issue of sports in St. Louis--do you mean to say that unregulated sports promotes violence?  how so?] Violence has a[n] adverse effect on the community [communities in general, or St. Louis in particular?].  Riots can explode from people being so excitied [excited] about their favorite team winning [so excited that...?]. Chaos, property damage, [and] injuries, can all occur [insert a comma] forcing the police to use extreme force on the public.  Amature [amateur] teams also have a problem with violence. [give me an example from St. Louis] Coaches, players, and fans can get so wrapped up in the game that verbal comments can have serious effects. [like what?] It starts out with people yelling back at each other, then escalades to threats of violence, until the straw breaks and physical violence results. [okay, that sounds like the steps are in the right order, but when has this happened in St. Louis?  how often does it occur?  if it's not a frequent occurrence, is it really anything to worry about?  does the pleasure derived from sports offset the occasional violence resulting from it?] Events which where suppose to be for fun, help you [lose the second person] relax and relieve stress winds up causing more and having extreme side effects. [bring closure, what's the importance of this idea of violence to the thesis?]

[introduce the idea of motive here, reword this first sentence to do that] Sports helps most of us in different ways.  Sports are played all over the world everyday.  [sure they are, but focus on St. Louis--what's the motive for sports in this city?  revenue, escape, what?] Yet [insert a comma] the majority of the players and spectators are not professional players.  All of these people play the game for fun, [lose the comma] because they enjoy the time spent playing a game.  For most of them [insert a comma] it is just a game, a way to relieve their stress, aggrovation[aggravation], and worries from work and home, [lose the comma] for a period of time.  This is a good thing that these people are able relax for a while [awhile, one word in this context].  There are times [insert a comma] though [insert a comma] that you [avoid second person] will have people who just can not [cannot is one word] relax.  They are usually the ones who, when their team starts looseing [losing, not looseing] they [replace the word 'they' with a comma] start mouthing off.  Their comments keep going until another person takes the situation into the next level.  They being fighting.  This fighting is a way to releave [relieve] stress.  After the fight is broken up and the fighters are settled they realize that it was a stupid thing to have done.  [you've already covered the violence aspect in the previous paragraph--it is redundant to bring it up again here--focus instead on this idea of motive--develop that, and leave fighting out of this idea] However, foolish pride won't allow them to admit it to anyone.  This is an excellent way of showing how sports is able to relieve stress and also cause stress. [bring closure by telling me how this idea is important to the thesis]

Fans are important to a sport just like the players [are]. [link these two sentences into one intro sentence, do that by dropping the period and lower casing especially] Especially if that team is a professional team. [you mean that the fans are as important to the sports as are the players--reword for clarity--make this paragraph St. Louis specific] Fans are what make the team able to surive. [survive]  If the team is not doing so good [well, not good--then insert a comma] the attendence [attendance] goes down.  When attendence [attendance] goes dodwn [down] sales of food, beer, tickets food [you've used food twice], and merchandise goes down right along with it.  If a teaam [team] is doing great [insert a comma] then sales go up on all the abbove [above-]listed things.  Fans are a good thing to have, [lose the comma] since they are your [avoid second person] source of income [is that the only reason?  what do they provide the players with?  is this relationship reciprocal?] .  However, there are times when the fans can get out of control.  Good examples are times when they charge on to the feild, or when an irate fan starts a brawl.  [whoa! Jim, what's this obsession you have with sports and violence--you've already covered the violence aspect--this is unnecessary--just focus on the importance of fans, what they contribute] Fans are what make up the revenues for a team and can also be the one's which cause a lot of damage in the process. [bring closure by telling me the significance of this idea about fan importance to the thesis]

[introduce this idea of professional players serving as role models for members of the community] Professional players leave an impact on the community.  There are some which leave positive effects on the community and some who leave negative effects. [you don't need to delineate that some leave positive and some leave negative--that goes without saying]  Kurt Warner is an individual who is presently leaving a postitive [positive] effect [impact].  He along with other players on the team pray, [lose the comma] and speak openly of their relationship with God. [in what way is that positive?  are they strengthening people's faith?]   Players such as Lenard Little.  Who drive while under the influence and kill a person.  This man was someone who kids looked up to and he gets himself intoxicated and drives. [link all three of these sentences into one sentence--the first two are fragments and can't stand alone] [having given a couple of examples, flesh these out around the central idea of the sports figure being a role model--what does it mean to be a role model?] [bring closure, what is the significance of this idea of role modeling to the thesis?]

Players make up the mostr [most] importaant [important] part of sports [you just wrote that the fans were as important as the players--clarify your contradiction here].  Without players there is no choaching [coaching], fans,  team, or game for that matter.  Players appeal to many people.  On a football team [insert a comma] its [it is] the qua[r]terback in high school  that is the star of the game. [always?]  He is usually depicted as a good student, popular and all- american [capitalize] type of a person; however [insert a comma here] this is not always the case as Hollywood tries to show. [how do you mean?  is the American high school football player a miniature major league player?  does he represent in the microcosm what Kurt Warner does in the macrocosm?  develop this idea of the importance of players] In pro teams [insert a comma] [all?] the players are the stars.  Kids and adults are amazed to meet their heros.  [heroes] They [The players, not they] are admired by millions each time they take the field and set examples of our society [how so?  awkward way of wording it...reword] by their actions. [bring closure--what is the importance of this issue of players being the most important aspect of sports to the thesis?]

Sports has both positive and negative effects on the communtiy [community] [don't repeat your thesis here word for word--just reintroduce the idea it is trying to convey].   It has the potential to cause violence and harm to people and property.  It can also bring two complete strangers and give them a life long friendship.  Sports is a hot topic there are always people willing to talk about the latest victory or crab about the loss of the game.  Kids and adults alike all can look up to and admire their favorite player in their favorite sport.  [rework this conclusion by telling me the impact this issue has on St. Louis] Maybe, its [it is, not its] the fact that they hope or hoped to be [lose the 'be'] fill their shoes one day, but what ever [whatever] the reason sports effects [affects, not effects], more than we realize, our lives. [...affects our lives more than we realize, you mean--you actually want to bring closure, though, by telling me why the thesis itself is important--avoid being vague]