Alcohol in the game definitely makes the game more exciting.  In watching the crowd [insert a comma here] one will quickly notice, [replace this comma with 'that'] as the game goes on people start to loosen up, [lose the comma] and start to enjoy the game in a whole different aspect [what's this difference in aspect?  you mean they're friendlier?  angrier?  more involved?  how does this sense of excitement generate due exclusively to alcohol?  can't they get just as excited while not drinking?].  People don't [do not, not don't] realize it [put the comma before the coordinating conjunction, not after] but, when they are at a sporting event they normally drink more than they anticipate, so [insert a comma] in effect [insert a comma] they get louder, and get [lose the comma and the 'get'] more into the game.  When consuming alcohol people don't [do not, not don't] realize this because the beer served at the game is a draft beer, opposed to a regular beer.  Draft beer has more alcohol in it, and [insert a comma] in studies, [it] has been proven that it is a lot easier to drink, [start a new sentence here] this combo is why alcohol in the game makes it that much more exciting. One will also notice, in a more exciting game, the intake of alcohol increases by the folds because of the home team winning a[n] important game, or a close game, [replace the comma with a semicolon] whatever the reason the fans take in more alcohol. [bring closure by telling me why this idea is important to the thesis]

Alcohol in the game also controls the intensity of the fans.  In a winning situation in a game, people will take in more alcohol, opposed to a game in a losing situation, [develop this idea of intensity--strengthen its difference from the idea of exciting you introduced in the last paragraph] this being proven makes my point that much stronger [sure it would--but that is irrelevant here--strike that last clause].  If there were no alcohol served at these games the atmosphere would be a totally different scene, [replace the comma with a semicolon] fans would be more aware of their surroundings, and [they] would not be into the game nearly as much [so, what you're saying is that fans who are aware of where they are cannot focus on the game before them, but fans who are entirely unaware of where they are can?  clarify that--what's that have to do with intensity?].  All in all though. [put a comma before and after 'though'] intensity drives the team, and most of the time that is what makes the team what it is.  Set aside the annoying drunks at the games who get on your [lose the second person] nerves and take a look at what alcohol really brings to the games, that [which is the fans?] the fans, and that is what we need for a good program. [fans? or alcohol?--people can drink at home and watch the game on their televisions--just because alcohol is served at the stadium doesn't mean that people are going to flock to it--there has to be another reason for their going (like people who go to bars--they go to shoot their mouths off in a social setting, not to get a drink)--so, that being the case--what is that other reason?  the excitement of actually being near the players?  focus on how alcohol makes that excitement intense--do fans have a greater sense of participation?  bring closure by telling me how this idea is important to the thesis]

Being that the majority of beverages served at sporting events are alcohol, people tend to loosen up as the game goes on, which in essence makes it easier for the fans to watch and enjoy the sporting event. [what's the focus of this paragraph?  the first body was excitement, the second was intensity, the third is loosening up?  doesn't this third idea conflict with the other two?] [This is] N[n]ot saying that every sporting fan has to be lit up to enjoy the game enjoy [lose one of these 'enjoys']. [link these two sentences together--this second clause is a fragment] But the effects of [will?] help.  I use to hate watching football, and [use 'but' not 'and'] one time iwent [I went] to my brother[insert an apostrophe]s fraternity house where there was some drinking, [and] I helped myself to some beer and thats [that is] when the game started for me. [sure it did, but was it the game, or the 'loose' feeling you're trying to advance through this story--one thing, though--you weren't at the stadium, but at a party--would the alcohol have loosened you up at the stadium or gotten you wired?  what's the difference?  if the game isn't worth watching sober, which apparently for you it wasn't, what makes it worth watching drunk?]  I found that it was interesting, and easy to watch, but after the alcohol started to wear off, so did the ease of watching the game.  It soumds [sounds] weird [insert a comma] but, [as] experience holds true, alchol [alcohol] does make the game easier to watch. [how does this idea of looseness and ease help support the thesis?]

Alcohol is the anchor to the crowd sizes.  Although, it is not what brings all the crowds [clarify the distinction you are trying to make here--what's the difference between crowds and fans?  don't the fans make up the crowd?], it is what brings most fans to the game [careful--fans are the types of people who don't care whether it's raining, or hot, or snowing, or whatever--they'll come to the game in spite of any of that--so, why would they need alcohol to serve as an additional incentive?  to make the weather more endurable?].  It has been proven that alcohol is a depressant, and without this some fans could not enjoy the game unless they were under the influence. [they have to be depressed to enjoy the game?] This might be proven by the amounts of alcohol sold at these events, [replace the comma with a semicolon] without it, the game might be without fans, without [t]he alcohol, we might not have the game. [which came first, the alcohol or the game?  since we obviously had sports during the era of Prohibition, did the absence of alcohol sales cause the disappearance of all sports leagues?  if the sports leagues are still here, they must have weathered the storm of a decade of no alcohol--how then does your argument hold up?] Budweiser is a huge sponsor to our sporting events and without them we might not even have the game. [you already said this in your intro sentence--delete it here--just tell me why this idea of alcohol serving as an anchor to crowd sizes is important to the thesis]

Being that alcohol lightens the spirits of people, it is almost [how can something be almost factual and still be true?] factual that without alcohol;, [lose the semicolon, keep the comma] the crowds would certainly be less social.  If you [avoid use of the second person] have ever been to a sporting event, one will notice that the crowd intensifies as the games proceeds [you already discussed intensity in the first body paragraph--keep this paragraph focused on social--what you're trying to prove is that people are friendlier and more interactive with one another during a period of inebriation in which everyone is involved rooting for the same thing to happen--focus on that], [new sentence] the main reason [for] this is [that] people are getting drunk and out of hand.  [out of hand meaning belligerent? is that compatible with their being socially interactive?] This may make for an annoying game if you [avoid the use of second person] do not indulge yourself [avoid the use of second person]. [link these two sentences] But this is what makes the crowds what they are. One will also notice if they go along and enjoy the game like most, that at first, it is semi quiet, and you [avoid the use of second person] are surrounded by strangers, and a few plays, or periods later, you [avoid the use of second person] are know [now, not know--drop the word altogether] talking and screaming, [and] giving high fives, [lose the comma] to that person that [who] was a stranger not so long ago. [good]

6.  Would it be less of a social crowd if they did not serve the alcohol. [this idea is too close to the one used in body 5--find a different one, maybe revenues]

All in all [lose this expression, all in all], alcohol is a blessing to sporting events today.  It intensifies the crowds, it is what makes the crowds, it is where the majority of funding comes from,  it brings the fans together as more of a social gathering.  [you don't want to summarize all of your associated ideas in your concluding paragraph--you merely want to tell me the impact of this issue on society--in this case, on the world of sporting events--go into the idea of Budweiser's impact on the sporting world, and the impact of sports on the distribution of beer--follow up where your intro left off] There may be accepting [exceptions] to where alcohol may have gotten someone out of hand, but [insert a comma] in the end, the selling of alcohol at sporting events is the smartest thing that the industry could have possibly done. [sure it is, but tell me why the thesis in particular is important]