Throughout high school only an elite group of student[s] will be given the right to be looked at by a scout. [you mean the ones that are actually playing on the day that the scouts come to the games?  what are the criteria for that?  clarify what you mean by elite] All scouts are different [insert a semicolon or a period] some look for raw ability and intelligence in school while others just look at your [avoid using second person] athletic standing. Being visited by a scout can be very nerve racking, but it can also be very uplifting [in what sense?]. Scouts are very interested in what you [avoid using second person] can do for the team as well as what your [avoid using second person] academics will do for the standing of the school [develop this idea of academics--which is more important for a scout, someone who can kick an 80-yard field goal, or someone who gets really good grades but can't kick 20 feet?--how prone are scouts to overlook academic deficiencies in the face of athletic ability?]. Some scouts also look at your [avoid using second person] extra ciricular [curricular] activites [activities], which may have some affect [effect--spell it with an 'e' when you use it as a noun] on your [avoid using second person] getting into the college of choice, but to some scouts the only thing that matters is that you [avoid using second person] are outstanding in the sport in question. [bring closure--why is this idea important to the thesis?--you pretty much have three sentences in this paragraph that are redundant--develop each of them to focus more on this difference between athletic ability and academic merit]

After high school many atheletes [athletes] go onto [on to, not onto] colleges or universities, [lose the comma here] to continue their athletic career[s]. Some atheletes [athletes] that [who, not that] were outstanding in high school cannot compete with the other guys on the team, which causes their chances of going pro to deminish [diminish] before their eyes [why the discrepancy between their high school ability and their college ability?  wouldn't the scout who chose them have done so out of a sense of what is compatible for his or her college team?  wouldn't the coach who selected the athlete have made the distinction early on?]. Some athelete [athletes] continue to go to college for four years [insert a comma] go to the minors and maybe eventually have a professional team call them up to play for an injured player. [what you're saying is that making it professional is largely a matter of luck and patience?] On the other hand [insert a comma] there are some players that [who, not that] go to college for a year or two and stand out so much that they are recruited before they finish their college career[s] [what's the difference between these two types of players?]. Most people go pro rather than finish up college because of the money they are offered to play. [what's the actual percentage of people who do that?  when you say most, why not do both?  what stands in their way of that?] In some instances [insert a comma] though [insert a comma] some will finish their college career[s] and get an education before they go pro[why don't these people have a similar worry about losing out on their big chance as do those who actually drop out of college before they graduate?]. [bring closure, why is this idea important to the thesis?]

To play professional sports you [avoid using second person] must hold or obtain the raw ability in which [that, not in which] we call talent. The fact is that talent plays a big role in whether or not you [avoid using second person] make it pro [before, you alluded to luck and patience--how big is the role that talent plays?] . In many cases talent is a very hard thing to acheive [achieve] if not born with it [is talent something that can be learned?]. If you [avoid using second person] fall in the catergory [category] of tring [trying] to obtain talent you [avoid using second person] might just have to practice alot [a lot is two words, not one] more than a person who was born with the same talent you [avoid using second person] are tring [trying] to acheieve. [achieve] A goal for most people tring [trying] to make it pro would be to be able to show-up a person who is already in the pros. [to show up? or to prove competency?  is there a difference?  bring closure by telling me the importance of this idea to the thesis]

Many people that [who, not that] tend to go pro often stand out among the group of people to [with which, not to which] which he/she is [pronoun/antecedent disagreement--people/he/she] playing with [drop the preposition]. This virtue which I am about to tell you [avoid using second person] about [drop the 'which I am about to tell you about--it's wordy] plays a big role in weather [whether] or not you [avoid using second person] go pro. Being a team player has a huge effect on your [avoid using second person] game, [insert a semicolon] either you [avoid using second person] play as a team and win [insert a comma] which causes alot [a lot is two words] more scouts to come look at you [avoid using second person] or you [avoid using second person] can be a ball hog and lose resulting in less scouts to come look at you [avoid using second person] or your [avoid using second person] team. [develop this idea of team spirit--is it merely something that happens on the field?  bring closure by telling me how this idea is important to the thesis]

In sports today there are many changes that have to be made in your [avoid second person] life. Yor [misspelled--avoid second person] dedication to the sport is very important to your [avoid second person] success. If you [avoid second person] are not dedicated and loyal to the sport at hand you [avoid second person] will not only jeprodize your [avoid second person] future in sports but also your [avoid second person] team[']s.  Dedication plays a big role in sports, many people take dedication to a high level and that can only be good for the team. [throughout this paragraph, you talk about the necessity for dedication, but you don't really explain what it means or how to achieve it...develop that--also, tell me why this idea of dedication is important to the thesis]

The most important part of your [avoid second person] game is your [avoid second person] strength and agility. You [avoid second person] must be very strong as well as agilile [spelling] to compete in the world of professinal [spelling] sports. Speed also plays a huge factor in weather [spelling] or not you [avoid second person] make it in the pros. If you [avoid second person] have all of these atributes you [avoid second person] should do very well in the pros. [develop this--how does one build speed?  train for agility?  bring closure by telling me how this idea is important to the thesis]

Many things cotribute [spelling] to your [avoid second person] chances of going pro. The only advice that I can give you [avoid second person] is that if you [avoid second person] practice day in and day out you [avoid second person] yourself [avoid second person] could become the future micheal jordan [capitalize--Jordan's basketball, not football--poor example here] or even jayson williams. [capitalize] But if you [avoid second person] think that your [you're--avoid second person] to good to practice well then i'll [capitalize--avoid contractions] see you [avoid second person] in the minors. [does that mean you're heading there yourself?  bring closure to this--do you mean to say that the impact of high school football in St. Louis is that it prepares kids for the majors?  if that's true, how many kids do we have go into the majors each year?  Is the number proportionate with the rest of the nation, or is St. Louis special?  What does this bring to the people of St. Louis?  to the concept of sports in St. Louis?  finally, tell me why the thesis is important]