The Effects of Pollution
Shaun Ingram
In what way is America the number one cause of pollution today? Don't spend your entire intro paragraph mapping out the direction your paper is going to take. Devote this space to giving me the background of pollution--when did it first become a problem? When was it first noticed to be a problem? Strengthen your thesis considerably. What point is it that you want to prove specifically? Remember, this is a position paper. That means, you have to make a point you can stand behind and defend.
Environment has an 'n'. What is this paragraph about? The natural environment, or the pollutants within it? Strengthen your points here. You want to maintain the focus of the paragraph on one thing, not several. How are these groups significant to the point you're trying to make? Finally, don't conclude with a question--your paper shouldn't have to ask questions because it should be providing answers. Bring closure by telling me how this idea supports the point you're trying to make in your thesis.
This is the third time you've mentioned the number of things required to stop pollution. Get beyond that. Is this paragraph about the effects of air pollution, or the causes? Clarify. Move the definition of air pollution up to the first sentence of the intro paragraph. Your concluding sentence should tell me how this idea supports your point.
Develop this idea of threats to our water supply. How much of the United States does it actually affect? How does water help your idea concerning air pollution? How are the two things connected? Bring closure by telling me how this idea of water is important not in and of itself, but to the thesis, to the point you're trying to prove.
Some of these ideas should be moved to the earlier body paragraphs. What is the main point or purpose you have in this paragraph? How does that point of acidification, and the other two you mentioned, support the point made in the thesis? Is this paragraph about one of them or all of them? Clarify. Bring closure by telling me the importance of this idea to the thesis.
Develop this idea of global involvement and accountability. Discuss each of the programs a little and show me how they're advancing into compliance with international pollution standards. Is there such a thing? Bring closure by telling me the significance of this idea to the thesis, not by restating the obvious. What would you suggest we do?
You mention all of these groups in your first body paragraph. There's no point in your bringing them back now. Move this concept up there and focus in this paragraph on something else. Why is this idea important to the thesis?
Good conclusion--except, never end on an imperative invocation to the audience. Bring closure by telling me why the thesis is important.