St. Louis 2004--Making Communities Safe
Tavis Bryant

St. Louis 2004 is a movement to make St. Louis a great place to live and work. One of the many projects being done is to help improve the overall safety in communities. The money funding St. Louis 2004 is coming from eighteen financial institutions which have committed $751 million in investments and loans. St. City is in need of repair because the city government is not putting in enough money to keep the city maintained. For example, the supers of apartment buildings do not keep their buildings maintained because they are trying to get as much money out of it before the city condemns the building. Then when the building is condemned, the supers walk away from it. After several years the city looks for the supers to pay back taxes. The city ends up seizing the property for back taxes. The result is that there are buildings standing in need of repair or should be torn down. That drives the people and businesses away and lowers land values. Currently, there are nine communities that are being improved on, but later there will be more. Improving the safety in communities will bring out a more enjoyable life for citizens and travelers.

Making schools safe is one thing that would help children learn. The most common ways to help keep schools safe are metal detectors and security cameras. The metal detector is used to scan people for guns and knives when their going to school. The security cameras are used to watch the hallways and playgrounds. To keep fights from braking out during recess, there can be an adult keeping an eye on the playgroud. With cameras and metal detectors students can relax and not worry about guns and fights at school. They can concentrate more on school work instead of worrying about someone having a gun. Another way to keep schools safe is keeping them fixed up. Keeping a school fixed up is important so that it does not get dirty and fall apart. If a school is not maintained, the building is not fit to use. An unmaintenanced building can hurt people by loose ceiling panels falling and by floors having holes where people can trip. By monitoring the activities of kids and keeping a building updated, kids can enjoy learning, which will help them later in life when they are ready to go to college.

Keeping local business safe is important to the economic superstructure of the community. One way business helps communities is by having jobs for the people who are in and around the communities. If most of the businesses were to leave, there would not be as many jobs and the community would not get as much money. For example, say a business moves in a community. It will be hiring a lot of people according to what their needs are. If their are not enough people in the community with the skills the business requires, it will hire other people from other communities. Even if the business does not hire anyone from around the area, the community is on its way to getting better. The taxes that the business gets charged with will bring in a lot more money so the community can start programs to help people who want a good paying job. Also the people who have the jobs will be able to buy things such as food and clothing. That will help the surrounding businesses which will get the community more money to fix things. The same thing can happen when there are a lot of small successful businesses. But there are several things that can hurt a business. One thing is robberies. If someone kept robbing a commercial enterprise or small businesses, it might go out of business because the of all of the merchandise that was stolen. One way to protect a business from robberies is to set up a camera wired to a silent alarm system so when the robbers come, the robbery will be recorded and the police will be alerted. That would work good for small businesses which would not make enough money for hiring a security guard. A big business would hire several security guards and have a camera system so the companies interests would be protected. The company might also have a vault to store the really important information. Cameras are very effective if used in conjunction with security officers or an alarm system. Improving the safety of business districts will encourage companies to come to St. Louis. That will bring more jobs and money to the St. Louis Area. With businesses being safe and jobs being more secure, downtown St. Louis will come alive because more people will have money to spend.

Protection from disease and health is very important because if we were sick all the time we would get nothing done. The Deaconess Foundation is pledging $1 million every year annually till 2004. That money will be used to fund health-related projects for children living in any of the nine communities. Having a city where people do not get as sick as in other cities shows people that we are trying to keep healthy. When people do get sick they should stay home and rest, so that they do not hurt themselves at the job or get other people sick. There are several ways to prevent sickness. One way is to wash ones hands after using the bathroom or before eating. Preventing disease is often cheaper than treating the disease. If the disease can be prevented then the person will be able to continue to go to work and will not miss a couple of days worth of pay. To prevent disease, someone can wash their hands and get their shots. Both will help in preventing disease. If a disease was not prevented and it was severe enough the person could end up in a hospital which everyone knows is far from being cheap. So preventing disease is a lot cheaper than treating it at the hospital. Even the family’s doctor might be to expensive unless the person has insurance. Insurance can be a problem for families who do not make enough money or have dead end jobs. St. Louis 2004 have programs in progress to help low income families. It would be no cost or low cost insurance for working families. There will also be an outreach and enrollment program designed for children with no health insurance. These programs will start with the nine neighborhoods participating in the Sustainable Neighborhoods initiative. St. Louis 2004 wants to be a model in showing how to extend health insurance to people who do not have it and how to be healthy.

Having safe road conditions to get around safely is important. If people were not able to get around safely, business and personal life would grind to a halt. There are many ways to make the roads safe. One way is to keep the roads maintained. If the roads were not maintained, they would get pot holes which would not only hurt the car but hurt the person driving. The reason being that if a person were to drive on a road filled with pot holes very fast, he might hurt his neck and back, which is very uncomfortable. Another path that is used for transportation is the sidewalk which also has to be maintained. For example, if a biker were not paying attention to the sidewalk when there was a broken piece of pavement, he might turn over and get himself severely hurt. If road safety were improved people would not be as stressed out and would also be happier with the transportation system. St. Louis 2004 is helping to make a good transportion system.

Having safe recreational facilities is important so we can have fun without hurting ourselves. With a little common sense and safety tips recreationl facilities can be a lot of fun. Recreational facilities should not only be safe from crime, but also from misuse of equipment. The best way to be safe from crime at a park is to go with someone. Kids going with their friends to the park is ok if they are old enough to take care of themselves, such as, not going into a strangers car and not accepting goodies from strangers. Young children should go with an adult, such as a parent. Going with a friend or parent is good protection regurdless if the parent or friend has a weapon. The idea of going with a friend is to keep abductors and child molsters away. Abductors and child molsters are more likely to stay away if their is several people together than if someone was by him or herself. Parks should also be kept clean so that people will not get cut from broken glass jars and metal cans. Another way to keep people safe is by having signs that tell people how to use the playground equipment safely. There is also the need to keep the parks maintained in ways such as keeping the playground equipment in good condition. Taking care of parks will keep people from getting hurt. But parks are not the only form of recreation. Other forms of recreation are hunting, fishing, boating, swimming, and riding all terrain vehicles. These are just a few of the many recreational sports. Some things such as hunting can go on in state parks during the approperite hunting season. All of the activities mentioned above have safety tips. If someone did not know the safety tips for boating there are always sites on the internet. If the activities are done safely, people will have more fun then dealing with the problems. St. Louis 2004 is helping by making programs and activities for kids so they can have something to do after school.

Having safe, responsible gun owners are very important. If all gun owners were not responsible for their guns, there would probably be no gun owners. But being that there are responsible gun owners, people can buy and own a gun. There are several ways to keep guns out of the hands of irresponsible gun owners and criminals. One way is the seller does a background check on the person who wants to buy the gun. The Brady Act is a federal law which says that anyone who wants to purchase a gun has to have a background check. The Brady Act is one of several ways that keeps guns out of the hands of criminals. But even the Brady Act will not keep all of the guns out of criminal hands. There also is the black market which is all most impossible to control. The best way to get the guys who sell illegal guns would be to catch a criminal who has a illegal gun and ask who he bought it from. By educating people on how to use guns and where to store them would probably decrease accidental shootings. Storing guns in a gun case will also decrease accidental shooting by children because they will not be able to get a gun. Another device to keep kids from accentally shooting themselves is a trigger lock. It is just what the name say it is, it is a kinda like a pad lock on the trigger of the gun. There are many other gun laws. St. Louis 2004 is helping by trying to combat youth violence. St. Louis 2004 organization has helped capture more than 4000 guns which will reduce guns in circulation.

People and business will be encourage to come live in St. Louis because it is safe. With people and businesses coming, St. Louis will get more money. Also more businesses could have conventions here which will bring in money. New families will move her because their are good paying jobs and a clean, safe city. People would also want to move here so their children could grow up with a good education and be healthy. This relates to St. Louis 2004 because people would want to move here and enjoy a good life. That is the goal of St. Louis 2004.

ORIGINAL:

St. Louis 2004 is a movement to make St. Louis a great place to live and work. One of the many projects being done is to make communities safer. [consolidate these two intro sentences into one intro sentence in about 2/3rds the words] This project started in 1997 to help improve the overall safety of the communities. The money funding St. Louis 2004 is coming from eighteen financial institutions which have committed $751 million in investments and loans. [develop this background info--tell me about the city--why is it in need of repair?] Currently [insert a comma here] there are nine communities that are being improved on, but later there will be more. Improving the safety in communities will bring out a more enjoyable life.[for whom?]



Making schools safe is one thing that would help children learn. The most common ways to help keep schools safe are metal detectors and security cameras. The metal detector is used to scan people for guns and knives when their going to school. The security cameras are used to watch the hallways and playgrounds. [won't those things create a more hostile atmosphere as the students perceive they aren't being trusted?] One benefit of the security camera would be to catch the people who start fights. [why is it important to find out who started it when all you really have to know is who is fighting--sometimes, fights don't start with blows, but with words--can these cameras pick up the voices of the students and isolate those voices to a particular student amidst all the other noise?] When the teacher wants to know who started the fight she can check the video. With cameras and metal detectors students can relax and not worry about guns and fights at school. They can concentrate more on school work than [instead of, not than] worrying about someone having a gun. Another way to keep schools safe is keeping them fixed up. Keeping a school fixed up is important so that it does not get dirty and fall apart. If a school is not maintained, the building is not fit to use. An unmaintenanced building can hurt people by loose ceiling panels falling and by floors having holes were [spelling] people can trip. By monitoring the activities of kids and keeping a building updated, kids can enjoy learning [insert a comma] which will help them later in life when they are ready to go to college. [tie the significance of this into St. Louis 2004--is this a target goal for them?  how much do they plan to invest in it?  do they really mean to heighten the security of inner city schools?   what effect could that have on the parents in the community?]

Keeping local business safe is very important to the communities [reword--'...is important to the economic superstructure of the community.'] and the economy. One way business helps communities is by having jobs for the people who are in and around the communities. If most of the businesses were to leave, there would not be as many jobs and the community would not get as much money. [when a business hires from a poor community, is it hiring for a position of relative wealth, or for a position of minimum wage?   usually, the well-paid professionals do not come from the poorer communities--if they did, they'd move to a nicer community with their newfound earnings--so, how does a large business really help economically sustain an area?  through the hiring of the people who live there, or through paying taxes to the municipal government that then uses the money to support community programs?] There are several things that can hurt a business. One thing is vandalism. If someone kept vandalizing a commercial enterprise, it might go out of business because the damage could be more than what the business makes to repair it. One way to protect a business from vandalism is to set up a camera to record the vandals. That works if the business gets vandalized routinely. [does that cut down on vandalism?  give me an example of when it has?] Another way business gets hurt is by shoplifters and robbers. The more merchandise or money that is stolen, the less money the company will make. That also will put a company out of business. The most common way to protect against thievery and robbers is the use of security cameras.  [you're into this idea of cameras, aren't you?  tell me, should the existence of the cameras be advertised?  if so, what's to keep a thief from trying to outwit them?] Improving the safety of business districts will encourage companies to come to St. Louis. That will bring more jobs and money to the St. Louis Area.  [good, now tell me how this idea of keeping businesses safe is important to one of the target goals of St. Louis 2004's revitalization program--bring it back to the thesis]

Protection from disease and health are [is, not are] very important because if we were sick all the time we would get nothing done. Also [lose the 'also'] the Deaconess Foundation [do these people have a website?] is pledging $1 million every year annually till 2004. That money will be used to fund health-related projects for children living in the communities.[which communities?  just those target nine? or all St. Louis inner city communities?] Having a city were [spelling] people do not get as sick as in other cities shows people that were [we are?] trying to keep healthy. When people do get sick they should stay home and rest, so that they do not hurt themselves at the job or get other people sick. There are several ways to prevent sickness. One way is to wash ones hands after using the bathroom or before eating. [develop this idea of sickness prevention--is it cheaper to prevent a disease or to treat a disease?  how is St. Louis 2004 planning on handling that aspect of this?  by funding pharmaceuticals and preventive health care, or by funding access to clinics after illnesses have become serious?] Improving health in St. Louis would make everyone feel great because the work days would go by quickly and we could do things we enjoy more often. [you think that's all it takes?--why is this idea important to St. Louis 2004 in particular?]

Going places safely is very important [clarify what you mean by this?  road conditions or crime?]. If people were not able to get around safely, business and personal life would grind to a halt. There are many ways to make the roads safe. One way is to keep the roads maintained. If the roads were not maintained, they would get pot holes which would not only hurt the car but hurt the person driving. The reason being that if a person were to drive on a road filled with pot holes very fast, they [pronoun/antecedent disagreement--a person/they] might hurt there [their, not there--pronoun/antecedent disagreement--a person/their]neck[s] and back[s] [insert a comma] which is very uncomfortable. Educating drivers [about what? how to avoid potholes?  that might be self-evident] will also help improve road safety. Another path that is used for transportation is the sidewalk which also has to be maintained. For example, if a biker was[were, use subjunctive] not paying attention to the sidewalk when there was a broken piece of pavement, he might turn over and get himself severely hurt. Henceforth, if road safety was [were, use subjunctive] improved people would not be as stressed out and would also be happier with the transportation system. [you mean, their vehicles? or the circulation grid that enables them to operate their vehicles? bring closure--how does this affect St. Louis 2004--what specifically is the program doing about this?]

Having safe recreational facilities are [is, not are] important so we can have fun without hurting ourselves. But with a little common sense and safety tips, everyone can have lots of fun without hurting themselves.[consolidate these two intro sentences into one sentence in about half the words] Recreational facilities should not only be safe from crime, but also from misuse of equipment. The best way to be safe from crime at a park is to go with a friend or relative. [what about children going to the park with other children?  should they take adults along with them?   should adults carry baseball bats and 'pack heat'?] Parks should also be kept clean so that people will not get cut from broken glass jars and metal cans. Another way to keep people safe is [by] having signs that tell people how to use the playground equipment safely. There is also [the need to keep] keeping the parks maintained, [lose the comma, add 'in ways such as keeping...'] such as, keeping the playground equipment in good condition. Taking care of parks will keep people from getting hurt. But parks are not the only form of recreation. Other forms of recreation are hunting, fishing, boating, swimming, and riding all terrain vehicles. These are just a few of the many recreational sports. [can these also be done in our parks?  state parks, for instance, as opposed to community parks] All of the activities mentioned above have safety tips. [shouldn't people who engage in this already know the safety tips?  of those who don't, are there any instructional programs that will teach them?] If the activities are done safely, people will have more fun with the activities than dealing with problems.[awkward syntax--clarify] Therefore, if recreational activities are planned with safety in mind, they can be a lot of fun. [tie this back into St. Louis 2004--are there any programs that this organization itself is setting up to help ensure safe recreational facilities?]

Having safe, responsible gun owners are very important. If all gun owners were not responsible for there gun [their guns], there would probably be no gun owners. But being that there are responsible gun owners, people can buy and own a gun. There are several ways to keep guns out of the hands of unresponsible [irresponsible] gun owners and criminals. One way is the seller does a background check on the person who wants to buy the gun. The Brady Act is a federal law which says that anyone who wants to purchase a gun has to have a background check. The Brady Act is one of several ways that keeps guns out of [the hands of] criminals. [won't criminals just go to the black market?] Another way to protect people from guns is by educating people on how to use guns. By educating people on how to use guns and where to store them would probably decrease accidental shootings. [consolidate these previous two sentences into one sentence in half the words] Storing guns in a gun case will also decrease accidental shooting by children because they will not be able to get a gun. [what about trigger locks, etc.?] St. Louis 2004 should have advise [advice?  how so?  does it, or should it?] on how to handle a gun safely. There are many other gun laws [insert a comma] but [the] Brady Act is just one of many [redundant, delete]. The more people who are responsible with their guns, the safer the St. Louis community will be. [again, tie it back to St. Louis 2004--what is that organization actually doing about this?]

In conclusion, having St. Louis safer will benefit everyone. At schools, kids can do school work without worrying about some student having a gun. Businesses can flourish without much worry of going out of business because of vandals. People who live in St. Louis and travelers who come to visit will not have to worry as much about disease because everyone will hopefully be washing their hands. Roads will be better maintained.  Parks and other recreational facilities will be safer from crime. People will be better informed on how to do fishing and do other activities safely. Finally, gun sellers will perform background checks on people who want to buy guns which will help keep criminals from buying them. [delete this entire summary--focus on the impact to St. Louis of its being a safer place to live--don't rehash your associated ideas--won't that attract a larger number of people, which may contribute to our having to further increase efforts to keep ourselves safe?  or do you think that the people it will attract will be the kind of people we want moving here?--not the riffraff, but the respectable, honest, God-fearing, tax paying citizens of our future, etc.] People and business will be encourage to come live in St. Louis because it is safe. That will in turn help the economy and bring in more money so St. Louis can continue to grow and be a better place to live.  [tie it back to St. Louis 2004]