St. Louis is a sports city; there is no doubt about that. There is also no doubt that St. Louis loves its teams. From the Cardinals to the Rams to the Blues, and the Ambush to the Bilikens and to the Vipers, the fans support them and in turn they support the fans. [don't list all your supporting ideas in the intro sentence...these teams names can wait till your body paragraphs...focus on why St. Louis is such a sports-minded city...give me a bit of the history of St. Louis' involvement with, and enthusiasm for, sports that doesn't focus on the particular teams involved in those sports (as that comprises the body of your paper)] Sports have become a way of life for many people in St. Louis. Some have favorite teams where they never miss a game, whether it’s [no contractions] at home, away or at work the are a die-hard fan. [awkward syntax--reword this thesis to the effect that regardless of the type of sports fan one is, one is bound to find his favorite sport well-represented by a St. Louisan team]
    

The St. Louis Cardinals [do you have a URL address to this?] have been in St. Louis since 1892. The Cardinals are second only to the Yankees in World Series wins. [this sentence is awkwardly placed--link it to the first sentence with a coordinating conjunction] St. Louis has a rich tradition when it comes to the Cardinals. They have the gashouse gang from the ‘40’s, Joe “ducky” ["Ducky"] Medwick.[who is this guy?  the entire gang?  develop this a touch more than you have] Getting to some of the more well-know[n] players, they are Stan “The Man” Musial, Lou Brock, Bob Gibson [insert a comma] just to name a few. [if you're going to mention names, give me some background info on these names--what do these names mean to the sport of baseball in St. Louis?  How does the Big Mac fit into this roll-call?] Even though the Cardinals are more than 100 years old, they want to build a winning team to have a winning season in the year 2004 [why should their age preclude this possibility?  you might find a different subordinating conjunction to introduce this sentence]; it’s [lose the contraction] a way of giving thanks to the city. [what about a way of giving thanks to themselves?  develop the motivation here--are they building toward a winning 2004 team, or are they building toward a winning team every year?] St. Louis Cardinals have what it takes to win the pennant in 2004. [why not the World Series?  Develop their focus on 2004--has the team made any proclamations to that effect?  find out by researching their website]

The St. Louis Blue[s] [what's the website address to this?] has [I think the Blues refer to themselves in the plural, not the singular] not been here since [as long as] the cardinals [capitalize] have. This town is certainly [as much of] a hockey town as it is a baseball town. There are a few notables that belong to the Blues: Gordie Howe, Brett Hull. [that's a couple, not a few--tell me something about how these guys have impacted the team if you care to mention them at all] The Blues have mostly been “runner ups.” They have never won a Stanley Cup yet [lose the yet, it's redundant with never]. But,[link these two sentences together in about 2/3rds the words, begin it with a subordinating conjunction] they have existed for only 30 years, and the Blues have been in the playoffs for almost the entire 30 years. Some people think that this town is more of a Hockey town. [talk about the impact of hockey in particular] Yes, it is a growing sport, but the Cardinals are a house favorite. [reword, keep the focus on the Blues by writing that the Blues are second only in popularity to the Cardinals] The Blues would love to win the cup.[that's irrelevant, of course they would--have they made any plans to focus on 2004 in particular?   you can find out anything they've got planned from looking on their website perhaps] It would be even better if they could win the cup in the 2004 season. That would make it special. [consolidate these two sentences into one in half the words] They are also a future oriented team, so it might be possible since Bill Laurie bought it.  [don't introduce new material in a concluding sentence--develop Bill Laurie throughout the paragraph--what's his impact on the team?]

The L.A. Rams…I mean the St. Louis Rams. [what's the web address for them?--iintroduce them by definition, don't waste space that could be used developing their team with glib attacks--although that does serve to show some local color, just state that the people of St. Louis haven't had much confidence in them and have thought their price a bit too high for what they've given us] The rams have only been here for a few short years. In those years they sucked[avoid colloquialisms], [run-on] they couldn’t [lose the contraction] win more than 5 games [each season?--how many games are in a season?--what's the percentage of their wins to losses]. It looked dismal for the Lambs, I mean Rams. [again, another cheap attack] A little wheeling and dealing here, their [there...how so?] and this year we got ourselves a winning team. We got Kurt Warner, who was supposed to be a 2nd string quarterback, [lose the comma, replace with 'and'] became the 1st string quarterback when our number one starter Trent Green got hurt.  [how many seasons ago was this?] Ever since then the rams [capitalize] have made their most impressive start of a season in a very long time [the sentence should start out with 'This year," not "ever since then"]. Everybody is working together, and the veterans were tired of a losing season, so this is the season to win the bowl.[tie it back to St. Louis 2004--do the Rams have any plans for that year?]

The St. Louis Ambush. [this team have a website?] [what's the relationship of this team to Storm?  fragment, reword it into a complete sentence] Well, soccer fans love them, but most people aren’t [lose the contraction--what makes St. Louis into a non-soccer loving city?] into soccer that much. The people may go to a game or two, but that’s [lose the contraction] about it. As a team they are good. They were the National Champions in the ‘98-’99 season. They have a good player/coach Daryl Doran. [what makes him good?  how long has he been with the team?   what's been his impact on the team?] He has been with the team for a long time. Soccer is not as big as it has been before[lose 'before', redundant with 'has been'--why the decline in interest?  when was it big in St. Louis?]. They are rivals [there are rivalries, you mean] between the cities, but not like the Blues-Blackhawks rivalry. [develop the Blues-Blackhawks rivalry in the paragraph on the Blues--it's irrelevant here--focus on the St. Louis Ambush's focus on the year 2004--anything planned?]   

The St. Louis University Bilikens. [fragment--make it into a complete sentence--do these people have a website?] This is not a pro sports team, but I had to include them because they have been around so long, and everyone likes them. [that's not really as good a reason as the fact that they're one of our only university names--you might develop the fact that our college teams prepare our college players for the national leagues--develop the fact that they're a basketball team and give me some background on them--in lieu of the fact that St. Louis does not yet have a professional basketball team, they're the closest thing we've got] The Bilikens used to be coached by the great Charlie Spoonhour.  [who is this guy?  what made him so great?] When he was the coach they played Spoonball. Now Lorenzo Romar took over for Charlie Spoonhour, and they are playing a different style of basketball. [how so?] Romar is from UCLA, so he is bringing some moves over from there to improve the Bilikens. [what do the Bilikins have to contribute to St. Louis 2004--don't get away from your thesis here]

The St. Louis Vipers [website?] are an in-line [meaning what?  what distinguishes them from, say, the Blues?--i.e. what is roller hockey and what makes it different from ice hockey] hockey team. They belong the R.H.I. (Roller Hockey International).[consolidate these two sentences into one intro sentence] There is an eastern and western conference. The vipers are in the eastern conference. They are currently the 1999 Ralph Backstrom Cup Champions. Their home used to be at the “old barn,” or know [better known as...you mean] as the arena. Since February 27, 1999, their home was imploded. [what was the impact of that on the team?] They now share their home with the Blues at the Kiel Center. [they rollerblade on ice?] There is not a lot of hype about the vipers, because they are not on TV, radio or in the newspaper that much. [why aren't they?  develop their importance to St. Louis--what are they doing with St. Louis 2004?]

Sports in St. Louis are alive and well. The majority of the sports teams are professionals, but there are some colleges, and junior – professional teams that people like. Basically its whatever the person gets interested in. [irrelevant, you mean to say that people's variety of interest can be fulfilled in some way through St. Louis because of its variety of sports teams--focus on the impact that sports in general have had on St. Louis] Some people like the vipers because of in-line skating, some hate them and think it’s not a real sport. But, opinions are opinions. [delete these last two sentences-- irrelevant-- tell me why the thesis is important--why sports in 2004 will be important to St. Louis]