All throughout the world there is racism.  Racism began many years ago. It is a form of hatred whether it be race, color, or sex. [omit sex, here, I wouldn't consider sexism the same as racism--racism has to do with different races, not different genders--consolidate all three of these intro sentences into one introductory sentence that defines racism in about half the words you've used in these three] Our society know racism as color.  In St. Louis racism has to deal with whites vs. blacks.  [clarify--racism also deals with blacks vs. hispanics, hispanics vs. whites, blacks, white, or hispanics vs. Asians, etc., are you saying that the racism we have in this area exclusively revolves around white/black relations?  how so?  give me some background on that] There are many racist people who do not believe in interracial relationships.  Then you [lose the second person] get some people who do.  When Kennedy was the president of the United States, he have [had, not have] the authority to put together laws so that blacks can [could, not can] interact with the white community [in] such [activities] as going to school, live [living, not live--watch your parallel structure here] in the same neighborhood, ride and eat [riding and eating, not ride and eat] together.  [the Civil Rights movement could be said to have begun before Kennedy came to power--most of the integration precedents occurred in the 50s, under Eisenhower--what did Kennedy's proposals do to the racism in St. Louis?] Kennedy wanted everybody and everything to be equal. [thesis?  what specifically do you intend to discuss here concerning St. Louis?]

In St. Louis there have been many changes to eliminate racism such as [those proposed by?] the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, also known as the EEOC.  The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is a federal agency who [that] prohibits racism in employment brought by Washington D.C. [in employment brought by Washington?   clarify--you have a misplaced modifier here]  If someone feels that their [pronoun/antecedent disagreement--someone/their] race is a factor on [on their] not being hired or [on their] being discriminated on the job, then they [pronoun/antecedent disagreement--someone/they] have the right to come to EEOC and have the case investigated.  [which schools?   clarify] Schools took a stand in 1981, to bus blacks into the public schools to recreate a balance between white and blacks throughout education.  [was this an outcropping of the EEOC policy?  if not, it belongs in a separate paragraph, as this one sets out to discuss the EEOC as stated in your intro sentence--find a way to tie it together--perhaps, give me a new intro sentence that serves as an umbrella for integration--as for the schools, was this in 1981 or 1971?  wasn't the deseg program 27 years old when it collapsed?  what happened to it?  why?] Another way to create a balance between the two races are [involves the integration of?] the churches, living [what?], restaurants, employment, and transportation.  [eh?] There are many people in this society who are not racist, but then you [lose the second person] get the other side [comprised of those] who are racist. [you've continued to digress from the point you started out with--avoid vague statements of contrast 'there are many who do this, and many who don't'--it's too vague to be effective] The racist society calls blacks niggers, jigaboo[s], porch monkeys, and black honkies. In St. Louis if a white person got caught using the term nigger or any other term then they [pronoun/antecedent disagreement--person/they] can be fined 500 dollars, put in jail, or both depending on the judge.  [bring closure to this idea of employment--this paragraph talks about too many things (employment, education, general living, and slurs--you could break all these ideas up much more effectively in four paragraphs--if you want to keep them all in this one paragraph, give me decent transitions between each point and show me how all the points inter-relate with one another to support the main idea of the paragraph--if your main idea is employment, then half the paragraph is a digression]

Racism is very big in St. Louis and it goes back to the Ku Klux Klan[introduce this paragraph by telling me what the Klan is...what's its connection to St. Louis? when did we get the Klan?]. The KKK did not believe in the black community. [clarify, you mean they didn't believe the black community existed, or they didn't believe the black community should exist?  do you mean either of these, or is it rather that they didn't want the black community infringing upon the rights of the white community?  clarify] They did not want to be mixed up with the blacks, meaning [in] interracial relationships or any other form.  They despised the idea.   The Ku Klux Klan taught their family, friends, kids, and grandchildren to hate the black community.  This situation has been going on for years and [will] probably [continue for] years to come.  [why do you think so?  give me an example of Klan activity in St. Louis] We see many talk shows trying to explain the point of view of the KKK and why they [this group, not they] feel hatred towards other nationalities.   [nationalities or cultures?] I remember a[n] incident years ago on Jerry Springer about the Ku Klux Klan and they were ripping [avoid colloquialisms] Jerry left and right  about being Jewish.  [Judaism isn't a black thing--bring it back to racism in the black community as that seems to be the point of your paper] They [why?] got the whole [delete either whole or entire--one is redundant] entire audience wild [wound?] up because they were putting down all nationalities [not nationalities, cultures] except the white society. [focus on what was said concerning blacks--replace your Jewish observation with a black one] They [who?] were saying that everybody else was not good enough, [that everyone else was] trash, and how they [ambiguous pronoun--who?] should not be on the same planet as the white people.  I was not raised to think like the Ku Klux Klan and I am happy that my parents do not think like them either.  [irrelevant--bring closure by telling me why the KKK is important to this idea of racism in St. Louis--do they perpetuate it?]

St. Louis's Racism and Religious Right [is there a website for this group?] takes advantage of the fact that their allies have succeeded in limiting the definition of racism to its overt expression, such as gutter epithets, while denying its overt operation.  [nice sentence--what do you mean by it?] A large sign of their success at misdirection is their attempt to cloak the religious right in the moral mantle of the civil movement.  The religious right uses people like Alveda Celeste King, the niece of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., to portray themselves as the new moral leaders of America.  [give me a transition here] The African-American organization protested the extension of civil rights to gays and lesbians.  [does that indicate that the African-Americans are showing the same intolerance to others that has been shown for so long to them?  is this a contradiction?] Civil rights is about equality and tolerance. [link this sentence about equality and tolerance somewhere--it sort of hangs there] David Duke, a former Klansman, demonstrated how racial politics operate at the intersection of the mainstream and the extreme [is this guy a St. Louisan?  if not, I'd rather have you use a St. Louisan as a model].  In 1975, Duke was head of the Ku Klux Klan, he committed the Klan to plan of action that included; [use a colon, not a semicolon]  ending welfare, especially for non-white recipients (put this in parentheses), endings [lose the s] non-white immigration to the United States, ending support for affirmative action, and creating the perception of  "reverse discrimination" against white people in the minds of the American public.  Overt racism was rejected by the religious right, but [replace but with while] symbolic racism was preferred.  It would not be fair or accurate to portray the religious right as a monolith.  [meaning what?  how else should they be portrayed?] There are many differences between them, but they are united in their attempt to impose their version of Christianity on the larger society.  [does their version of Christianity include the brotherhood of all believers?  you need to cite your source on this one, especially since you used a lot of direct quotes without putting them in quotation marks...whenever you use someone else's words, you have to give credit where it belongs--try rewording this in your own words]

Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedom that the Declaration [of what?] has to offer us, without discrimination, such as race, color, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status.[don't be vague--this is basically the point of the paper restated--this paragraph talks about Education in particular, not Freedoms in general--you might move this sentence to the intro paragraph and start this paragraph out with the second sentence]  In [lose the preposition here] the Human Rights Education Newsletter [is there a website for this group?] talks about the discipline between teacher-student relationship[s] and to [the, not to] school structure which either allows them [who?  teachers and students?] to participate [in what?] or prevent[s] them from participating and to [the, not to] school ethos which excludes them from the decision making process. [in what way is the ethos of the institution exclusive?--this is a good example of your having borrowed these phrases from an outside source without giving credit to the originator(s) of the idea] The children were asked how the relationship between [the] teacher-[and the, lose the hyphen]student would become better.  Their responses were important because they were not being asked how the school might develop more democratic structures, but simply how schools might promote better discipline.  [meaning what?  what is the inference behind such a limited ability to respond?  behind such limited room in which to participate?] Their suggestions are very much in line with the principle of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child [is there a website for this?], that children should have the opportunity to participate in decisions about their own lives and future [how so, if they're not development democratic structures, but instead are merely promoting disciplinary forms?].  These kids clearly made the link between participation, good discipline, justice and fairness. [why is that important?   bring closure to this paragraph by going back to the intro sentence where you write that everyone is entitled to all the rights, etc..., strengthen that, and then tell me why its important to the thesis--to St. Louis, for instance]

A few of the  places where people hear the most about racism is in Detroit, East St. Louis, Chicago, and the Bronx [strengthen this intro sentence by introducing the idea of turf] .  When people drive by these places they know that its a bad area so they lock their doors. [are you generalizing or do you have proof?  got any statistics?] Many people do not walk down a street at night by themselves [misplaced modifier--move especially women to just after many people] especially women because they fear for their life [lives, in the plural].  Us [We, not Us] women always has [have, not has] a man with us so that we are protected [always?  that can't be true, because if it were, then there wouldn't be any stories of single women being attacked].  The society always hears talk about the drive-bys, raps, and muggings. [how often?  what are the stats on that?   be specific] Why do people still live in these areas when they know that it is not the safest place to live?  [reword this question into a statement that strengthens and advances your point] They probably can not [cannot is one word] afford to live anywhere else or does [subject verb disagreement--they/does] not have the money to just get up and leave.   Bad areas like these are not a good place [awkward--bad areas/good place--should be places] to raise a child.  There was a movie [which movie?  describe it for me and make sure you clarify how that illustration supports your associated idea] years ago that was talking about this very subject-drive bys and racism.  There were two sets of groups[what were their names?].  The one group could not even set foot on the other group[insert an apostrophe]s territory and vise versa.  The two groups thought that they were not worthy enough to set foot on the other territory[did they?  worthy?  each self-abnegated their value?  clarify your pronoun use here--each group thought the other was unworthy, you mean].  One day somebody did and there was a riot.  They took out their guns and knives and so many young kids died because somebody else did not think that they [who?--pronoun-antecedent disagreement-- somebody/they] were good enough.  If they  could have just looked past their color, they could still be alive today.  [was that a color thing or a turf thing?  why is turf so mixed up in color?] Nobody is better than anybody else [insert a comma] especially when it comes to color.  Everybody is the same in God's eyes and that is how we should feel too. [nice, but irrelevant--bring closure by telling me how this idea of turf is important to your thesis]

People use racism everyday whether they realize it or not by the way they talk or by their look towards someone [of a different race?].  Racism comes from everywhere, the work force, public, home,  media and television.  Many people deny that they are racist, because they do not have the guts to admit it.  [does that include people who genuinely aren't racist?] When a black vs. [vs.?  is this a contrary relationship here?] a black person talk [insert a comma] they [use] ebonics and slang towards one another. [is there anything wrong with their dialect?  when white people talk, they use their colloquial dialect and their slang in exactly the same way] It is alright for them to say names such as nigga and homie, but when a white person comes up they [who?] better be ready to fight because the blacks do not tolerate that from the opposite race.  Why is it ok [avoid colloquialisms] for one race, but not the other?  [reword this into a statement] The reason is that the same color has a[n] understanding and they both know that they are having fun and joking around.  When it comes from the opposite [opposite?  the white race can hardly be called the opposite of the black race] race [insert a comma] the blacks take offense to that because they are not homies and they do not have that understanding. [is this true in all cases?  aren't there many whites integrated into the black community who are comfortable enough with their friends to use these terms?  are you saying that blacks can use them with black strangers but whites can't use them with black strangers and that's what's wrong with it?] The blacks need to relax and not be so offensive towards those words because they say them everyday. [when a black uses it, he might mean a number of things, when a white uses it, he generally means one thing--how can this cultural misunderstanding be remedied?--bring closure--what is the significance of this idea of language to the thesis?]



Hopefully by 2004, St. Louis and many other cities will have found a way to solve racism.   Who ever [whoever is one word] our president will be in 2004,  [lose the comma] should take a stand in this situation and figure out how to resolve it.  It has been going on for too many years and it needs to stop because the next generation should not have to deal with this unfairness and inequality between the different races.   We are talking about the past where racism  came from and many people can not [cannot is one word] forget the past.  [does that inability to let go of old wounds prevent a reconciliation?--focus on the impact of this issue on St. Louis here] It is the same way for people getting teased, sexually abused, cheated on, and [undergoing?] a wrong up bringing. [wrong?  upbringing is one word]   Unfortunately,  too many people are dying because of this hatred between the races.  God would have not put different colors on this earth if he thought that we could not get along. [you mean, God didn't anticipate this?--clarify] Racism should not be about hatred on somebody's sex[gender isn't really race], color, religion, national origin [what else should racism be about?].  We are all equal in God's eyes and we should follow our leader.  [that's nice, but what's the importance of your thesis on St. Louis?]