Genetically Engineered Plants
Lisa Watson
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Lisa, this is a great paper, but there are a number of corrections that should be made concerning punctuation, grammar and syntax. You might go back through this entire paper and edit for those things.
Give me some dates in this background information--you sort of jump in with the assertion that genetic engineering is bad without giving me the background info that would at least show me where you're coming from. That seems to conflict with your thesis that technology is imperative. Do you mean to say that unbridled genetic engineering without long-term research and develop done prior to implementation on the global market place is detrimental to the biosphere with doubtful benefits to us? If so, use your background info to help shape that assertion. Then, prove it throughout the course of your paper.
Focus a little more clearly on this difference you've introduced between organic and genetic farming. Both have their advantages, but which do you think is more advantageous for the developing world economy? The impression I get from this is that you feel that industrial farming has gotten out of hand, necessitating a return to more traditional methods. If the world is indeed facing a food shortage with rising populations, isn't industrial farming the more efficient and productive way to go? What exactly does Roundup do to contribute to this movement towards industrialization of our farms? Why is it important in this context--how is it representative of the developing trend? You might refocus the main thrust of this paragraph into just talking about the takeover of small farms by large corporations, and move the TPT discussion into the next paragraph where it seems it more readily fits--unless you need it here to show exactly how technology is working against the small farmers. Is this a worldwide phenomenon already, or is it merely threatening on a global scale?
Develop this dual idea of 1) killing harmless insects along the lines of what that's doing to the food chain--if these insects are poisoned, what does that do to the birds that eat them? and 2) the developing of immunities in some insects that necessitate stronger toxins--are there better methods (like checker-patterning the fields so that in any given acre there is a section of crop left untouched by pesticides where normal pests can continue to mate with the abnormal ones from the surrounding plants to prevent deviant gene strains from developing) being experimented with? Harmful or harmless earthworms? What do you mean about people having problems with their own medicine? Do you mean that our solutions are potentially harmful to us? Finally, tie all this back into the original idea of the paragraph concerning genetic modification--currently, experiments are being done to put the DNA of jellyfish into certain types of vines to make them glow in the dark--this seems like a good idea for night-time identification of weeds--are you arguing that advances like this upset the natural ecological balance that nature has spent billions of years perfecting and for that reason should be left alone? That by forcing evolution on too fast a scale we are getting ourselves into something that we've got no idea where it will lead? Tighten it along these lines.
Clarify the intro portion of this paragraph--where is it heading? You've got a good angle on the lack of controls and regulations here as far as cross-pollination is concerned. You might want to strengthen this paragraph by focusing exclusively on that. Use it to show that no matter what controls the Department of Agriculture and other government agencies try to put on genetic engineering, there is no guaranteed way to prevent potentially dangerous hybrid strains from developing. You might clarify what you mean by what consumers want--the world population usually eats what's made available to it, and if the governments of the world are presently researching more efficient methods of food production, the people who support these governments must not have any really strong vocal opposition to it. Anything that is not profitable in the long run will be phased out due to market pressures. You might argue this.
In this court case, did the farmer plow over the illegal crop, or did he harvest it? Show how people like him are right in their battle against large corporations--more fully argue the case using him as an example. The main thrust of this paragraph, though, lies in the dwindling number of choices consumers are facing as global research corporations are merging with one another and acquiring a monopoly on genetic engineering techniques. Strengthen this paragraph to show how these monopolies are inefficient enterprises that hinder the progress and development of alterior methods.
If American consumers are not concerned about their food being organic or genetically engineered, why should it be an issue to them? What distinguishes the Europeans from the Americans as far as this concern over how their food is manufactured? What do they know that we don't? How can you be so certain that we'll follow Europe's lead on this one? If most of the companies are American-based or funded, is it possible that large amounts of money are going into positive ad campaigns, in addition to lobbying for favorable Congressional legislation. As this paragraph is basically arguing for labels, are you admitting that there is nothing that can be done to stop the intrusion of genetically engineered products so we might as well warn people of their advance in order to create a hostile marketplace for them sometime down the road? How effective is labeling on products the FDA considers questionable? How effective, for instance, was it on cigarettes? Finally, is it the responsibility of the consumer to be aware or of the corporation to make the consumer aware?
What's your source on that farmer's quote? You might insert a hyperlink to it. The basis of this paragraph seems to be lack of diversity--isn't the point of genetic engineering, though, to create greater diversity? Develop this idea along those lines.
Give me the source on that quoted official. Where do you see the earth in 20 years if this trend continues--focus your impact along the answer to that question to avoid repeating material from the essay.