Ozone
Layer
Brandon Sumski
Develop this introduction a bit. When was this layer discovered? By whom? When was it first discovered that we had a problem with it? What global agencies are overseeing the development and implementation of positive solutions to that problem? Develop that thesis by integrating it into the sentence that precedes it in about half the words.
Rewrite the first sentence into a statement that strengthens and advances the point you want to make throughout this paragraph. Strengthen the comparison between the earth without an ozone and Mars. Is that the only thing that creates a difference?
Begin this paragraph by introducing the idea of synthetic pollutants, then go into your two examples of them. Reword the first sentence you have showing here, as it's awkwardly phrased. Chloroflourocarbons is how it's spelled. What are some of the alternatives hairspray companies and the like have come up with? Strengthen the transition between CFC's and CO. Develop this idea of carbon monoxide being the biggest offender--what are some of the controls the auto manufacturers are using to cut down on this? how about the oil refiners? Rework that last sentence--tell me why this idea of air pollution is important to the thesis.
Focus exclusively in this paragraph on the hole in the ozone--the intro sentence makes it sound like you're going to write about the multi-million dollar corporations. If the hole is located over Antarctica, how does that affect us in the Northern Hemisphere? What's the significance of this hole's having remained? Has it done that in the past? Could it mean anything other than pollution? Give me some history behind this--what makes it not just a part of earth's natural evolution that we've really only been keeping global data on for the past couple of generations.
Develop this paragraph alongside the concept of preventive methods and redemptive methods. We need to repair the damage we've already done and find a way to avoid further harm. How can we do that? Move the information you have in Body 6 up into this paragraph.
This is redundant with Body 1...integrate the ideas you have here in with that, and come up with a new associated idea to help prove your thesis.
Much of this information is redundant with Body 2--you want to focus here exclusively on what can be done. Develop that information within Body 4 since that is where you first introduce the idea that we need to do something. Find a new associated idea to use here.
Focus here on the impact this issue is having on our planet. Are major corporations actually putting environmental concerns ahead of their corporate interests? Is this being considered as a focal point of Congressional legislation? Bring closure by telling me why your thesis is important.