Should Ebonics Be Used in School?
Chris Roth

In America there are many forms of English in use. One of these forms is called Ebonics.  It is a form of English used mostly by blacks. [consolidate these three intro sentences into one intro sentence that strengthens and advances your point in about half the words] Ebonics is a normal speech for thousands of American children as Dorothy Z. Seymour says in "Black Children, Black Speech". It has different sounds and different structures than [does] proper English. The two "th" sounds in English are not found in most other languages [insert a comma] including languages from West Africa [insert a comma] which most blacks brought with them when they were brought to America. In Ebonics a[n] "f" sound or a "v" sound is substituted for these "th" sounds as in "birfday for birthday" and "bruvver for the brother". [cite the page number of this source] Another characteristic of Ebonics is the leaving of the last consonant off a word or replacing it with the sound /w/ such as "too for tool" or "so for sore". This is not only a characteristic of West African words, but is common in Italian and Japanese words. In the West African languages there are not very many cases of a close combination of two vowels which is called a glided or dipthongized vowel sound. This causes words like "right" and "time" to be pronounced "rat" and "tom". Ebonics also differs from standard English in its structure. Ebonics uses the verb form "to be" in a different way than Standard English. Ebonics uses to be show a tense called habitual which expresses an action which is always occurring. In Ebonics the phrase[s] "He coming" and "He be coming" mean two different things. "He coming" means that he is coming at this moment and "He be coming" means that he is always coming. Another difference in structure is the expression of plurality. A person using Ebonics would say "two dog" [insert a comma here] omiting [omitting] the "s". While most people think this is done because of lack of knowledge, it is really done because it is not necessary to indicate plurality twice. In Chinese, Japanese and most West African languages the same word is used to indicate singular or plural. There are also differences in expressing gender. Women are often refereed [referred] to as he or him. The use of multiple negatives is also attributed to West African language origins. [this is really the start of another paragraph, but you've got your thesis attached to the end of it--you need to give this intro a bit of focus--you've got way too much specific information in here, which leads me to wonder what your point is exactly for way too long--just give me some background on Ebonics here and save all the specific details for the body paragraphs of your paper to prove certain points--also, this paragraph is clearly about Ebonics, but you introduce Asian languages in here way too often--what sort of parallels are you trying to draw?  that African dialects are similar to Asian dialects?  well, okay, but so what?  how does that advance the point you're trying to make?  even background info has to lead somewhere] [There are two views about changes in the accepted language. The prescriptive tradition, which began in the eighteenth century, tries to preserve the language purity. David Crystal explains in his essay "The Prescriptive Tradition" that "prescriptivism is the view that one variety of language has an inherently higher value than others, and that this ought to be imposed on the whole speech society". [page number?] The alternative view is descriptivism in which the grammarian describes the language being used by society and does not evaluate [how do you mean by his not evaluating it?] it. The descriptivist view is that language changes as society changes and nothing can stop it. I support the descriptive [descriptivist] view because I  think the different varieties of language enrich our society, but I don't [lose the contraction] think that school is the right place for these different varieties [clarify what you mean here--you mean that only Modern Standard English should be taught in schools exclusive of dialects, or do you mean that people who speak dialect should conform to Modern Standard English while in school though not back in their homes?]. ] --this really should be your intro paragraph within these yellow brackets--move the information about Ebonics to a body paragraph and trim it down by a third, focusing it around a specific associated idea that helps prove this thesis]

In order to succeed in the business world people must be taught to speak in proper English. As Professor Toni Cade of Rutgers University says "if you want to get ahead in this country, you must master the language of the ruling class". [page? source?] Communication must be easy for everyone to understand.  There must be one standard. [how does this view jive with the first clause of your thesis statement?] Since proper English is already in place, and used by the ruling class, this is the standard that should be used in a classroom. If you [lose the second person] allow the use of Ebonics in the classroom you [lose the second person] are saying to these kids that it is all right to use Ebonics in the business world. If you [lose the second person] use Ebonics in the business world you [lose the second person] risk not being understood which can lead to lost opportunities. Lose to many opportunities and your [lose the second person] going to lose your [lose the second person] job or business. The use of improper language can hold a person down and form barriers between people. 

As Dorothy Z. Seymour says in "Black Children, Black Speech" "Middle-class whites and Negroes alike scorn it as low-class poor peoples talk". People's first impression is the most important one in the business world, because they may not give another chance for you [lose the second person] to form another one. People tend to not want to do business with people that they feel are different or beneath them. It is nice and interesting to have different types of languages in our culture, but in the business world different is bad. [how do you reconcile that statement with all the multicultural sensitivity training going on in the business world today?] Allowing the use of Ebonics in the classroom reinforces the differences between people. [and this is bad?] Ebonics does not have a place in the classroom because it is very distracting. [so, how do you propose getting rid of it without destroying the culture of the students who speak it?  even with that aside, how do you propose getting rid of it?] When kids are talking in Ebonics they are very animated, loud and excited. [is this exclusive to Ebonics?  or are you saying that to speak Ebonics means you HAVE to be loud and animated? clarify what you mean here--try not to stereotype] This kind of behavior is very distracting and not beneficial to the learning environment. When the students are speaking in Ebonics the teacher has a hard time understanding and cannot control the class. [careful--develop what you mean by the teacher having a hard time understanding--is that necessary to control?  clarify your distinction here] It is great that a new generation is adding their contribution to the culture, but there is no room in the classroom for this kind of behavior. [new generation?  this has been going on since integration in the 1950s--how does this idea support your thesis?]

If these kids are going to be successful in the business world then they are going to have to learn how to use proper English. Bad habits are hard to break so the sooner they are taught proper English the better. I am not saying that Ebonics should not be allowed on the playground, but by keeping it out of the classroom we are giving these kids a helping hand in their future. [doesn't that send mixed messages to the students?] By not allowing Ebonics in the classroom, we are helping these kids to develop into productive members of society. [this paragraph is highly redundant with the previous one--focus on the one new idea you have here--allowing it on the playground--why is that important?  how do you shift from playground mentality to classroom mentality?  many Southern whites speak a colloquial dialect that is different from modern standard scholastic English--would you make the same distinctions for them as you do for Blacks?  develop it along those lines] 

There is nothing wrong with Ebonics on the playground or in some ones [one word--someone's] personal life, but it should not be brought into the classroom. In order to succeed in the business world people must have a good opinion and speaking proper English is one way to earn this respect. Doing business requires full attention and Ebonics is a distracting form of the language. Kids should learn proper English as soon as possible in order not to form bad habits that are going to be hard to break further on down the road. [redundant] Ebonics enriches our culture, but it does not fit in the business world and therefore has no place in school. [clarify your point here--don't equivocate--how can something that enriches our culture not be an indelible part of that culture through all the facets by which that culture expresses itself?--don't repeat your thesis--tell me why it's important]

Should Ebonics Be Used in School?
Annotated Bibliography

Thesis Statement: I support the descriptive view because I think the different varieties of language enrich our society, but I don't think that school is the right place for these different varieties.

1. Crystal, David "The Perspective Tradition" Language Awareness. 
        Ed. by Paul Eschholz, Alfred Rosa, and Virginia Clark. New York: 
        St. Martin's Press, 1994: 101-106.

This article explains the two views towards English, prescriptivism vs. descriptivism.

2. Naylor, Gloria "The Meaning[s] of a Word" Language Awareness.
        Ed. by Paul Eschholz, Alfred Rosa, and Virginia Clark.
        New York: St. Martin's Press, 1994: 305-307.

This article explains the authors experience as a little girl and hearing the word nigger.

3. Roberts, Paul "The Brief History of English" Language Awareness.
        Ed. by Paul Eschholz, Alfred Rosa, and Virginia Clark. New York:
        St. Martin's Press, 1994: 89-98.

This article explains the history of the English language.

4. Seymour, Dorothy Z. "Black Children, Black Speech" Language Awareness.
        Ed. by Paul Eschholz, Alfred Rosa, and Virginia Clark. New York:
        St. Martin's Press, 1994: 122-128.

This article explains Ebonics and how it is viewed today.

Chris, since you wrote this for me last year and have already received my comments on it, I'll waive your revision.  In spite of your additions to it, it reads highly redundant without strong enough analysis to prove the point you seem to take for granted proves itself.  The first paragraph has very little to do with the point you are trying to make, but it could be incorporated in bits and pieces throughout the body paragraphs to help you make that point.  Finally, the point itself seems contradictory--you seem to validate the use of Ebonics as a cultural marker that enriches our culture, yet you deny its validity throughout all facets of that culture. There is possibly a way to carry this point off, but you haven't quite done it here. Grade: D.

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